House of the Odd Bird

So, I had a baby..

2011-11-25T20:19:00.003-05:00

In October 2010 I gave birth to a son. If I had to give insight or advice it would be:

1. Everyone has a different definition of "big."

I had a woman tell that she would bet cash money I would have a ten pound baby. the woman she was with replied "What are you talking about? She is tiny!"
My mother in law was concerned I was not big enough.
The orderly at the hospital said "Oh my god are you having twins?" the same day the ultrasound tech said "I am going to say it will be a six pound baby."

2. Every pregnancy is different.

I did not throw up once while pregnant. I knew something was up when I did not want any pickles. I craved chicken and lemon water/lemonade for about two or three weeks. Just because so-and-so smelled like garlic and drank clamato juice does not mean you will do the same.

3. Make a birth plan.

Plan for what you would do in common scenarios. I was not getting a C-section but I told them what I wanted in case I did have one.

4. Push with contractions.

Now this may seem like a duh but I tried to hold the baby in while waiting for the doctor. When we he did not show up I just started pushing hell bent for sunday and ended up with sulcus tear. I had the baby without the doctor present so I am not too concerned about the next pregnancy as sulcus tears are rare. I only had one because (IMO) I pushed too hard without a contraction causing the baby to come down too fast. By the way, according to the doctor the nurse never even told him I had gotten to eight cm let alone 10 cm.

5. If you go to the hospital bring food. Lots of food.

I went in for test which turned into an hours long affair in which the nurse refused me food because she could not reach the doctor. She could not reach the doctor because she was calling the wrong doctor. When the right doctor showed up he gave me a cervical pipener and I was not allowed to eat. When I was allowed to eat the hospital only had a ham and turkey sandwich available. I was in the hospital for four days and they only fed me on the third night and the forth morning and night. Any other time it had to be the ham and turkey or the food I brought. Gee, good thing I had started eating meat while pregnant, huh? If I had been vegetarian I would have starved.

6. Double check with your doctor. Even things you may think are normal.

After the baby I had locchia, the period you get after birth. It started smelling bad. Then it got worse. I had to take cipro for an infection. If I had just assumed it was supposed to smell that way it could have gone untreated.
Besides nothing feels better than an OB/GYN saying "that's normal."

Pummelos Are Delicious

2011-11-25T20:14:00.002-05:00

Things I have done recently

Bought a house in 2009
Had a kid in 2010
Ate a pummelo in 2011

Pummelos are awesome. They are like non-acidic grapefruit with yellow skin and Barbara Cartland pink pith. It smells fantastic. When you peel the membrane from the flesh
the membrane resembles a tropical plant and the edible part looks like the hypodermis in the cutaway view skin chart in my dermatologists office. Delicious and a good example why I can never do drugs. I get giddy over citrus fruit; drugs would push me over the edge.

It's funny sometimes...

2009-08-11T22:50:00.004-05:00

I had the following conversation yesterday.

Woman customer: You've lost quite a bit of weight haven't you?
Me: (not wanting to get into the whole I gained it then lost it thing) I have lost some, yeah.
WC: Isn't it great when people acknowledge it?
Me: Well I got sick.
WC: (shocked) That's not a good way to lose weight!!

At least she did not say that she wanted to hit her head on a tiled bathroom wall so she could stop wanting to eat. I had a customer say that once to another customer (a stranger) then refuse to touch my hand lest I give her my fat.

Bless your hearts

2009-05-03T01:01:00.004-05:00

Regarding an argument/discussion from earlier today that is still bothering me seven hours later and making me sick to my stomach, I will only say this:

God Bless

Loving single parents
Loving two parent families
Loving gay parents
Loving foster parents
Loving adoptive parents
Surrogate mothers
Loving step parents
Neglected children of all kinds
Children still looking for a home

My hope is one day every child will find a happy home.

Never let others dictate what is right for you and your family, only you and yours can make that decision.

Weight and Wedding Related (may be triggering)

2009-02-03T02:38:00.004-05:00

I had started writing a detailed account of my weight history when I realized all the info you need is this: I got a job, I gained weight and have since lost weight but not as much as I gained which means I am still bigger than when I started the job. I will admit that I lost the weight quicker that I gained the weight. I have done this without trying which should tell you I have a medical issue.

My co-workers go on about how much weight I have lost. Well, the co-workers who concern themselves with weight at any rate. This does not bother me as I am close with these people and they see me everyday.

The thing that bothers me is the people who I do not know from Adam who come into my work and go on about how good I look and how did I lose weight. I tell them I am not trying which as was written above should tell you I HAVE A MEDICAL ISSUE. This does not stop them. "I wish I could lose weight like that" etc. etc.

I need to make a Procrastinator's New Year Resolution. The next time someone asks, I will answer the way I want to; Have you lost weight? Yes I have. You look good. Thank you (in such a tone that denotes I am purely taking the compliment from where you meant it, free of my judgment.) Are you trying? No. How did you do it? I have a common hormonal disease that causes weight gain. I am on medication now to help my body produce that proper hormone levels. Some of the weight loss is from the medication. The medication has side effects that are harmful to my heart. I am happy at my size just as it is now. My weight is pretty level now and if I gain all the weight back I will be cool with it. In all honesty I would not want to lose much more because I am vain and think it looks weird on someone like me who has small features. However it not something I spend a lot of time thinking about because I am too busy for things like that.

Hopefully, by answering this way I will either educate them or shame them into never asking me personal questions again.

I just can't help think about Terri Schiavo and what must have been said to her while she was vomiting to drop weight and her potassium level at the same time. It must be hard to give up an eating disorder when the whole time you have everyone tells you how good you are looking. Then after she went into the vegetative state one morning radio host commented on how fat she got after they started feeding her with a tube.

As a postscript: Thank You to the one woman who honestly asked me if I was sick after commenting that I had lost weight. It is still a personal question but if more people show that kind of concern the world would be a better place. Maybe.

Jessica Simpson and the Rapture

2009-02-03T02:33:00.001-05:00

Jessica Simpson wore an unflattering pair of pants the other day and therefore, according to the television, the end days are here.

Have you ever tried to pretend to be stupid only to get a headache after a while? Entertainment reporters are immune to that feeling.

No, I am not linking to the picture because I just don't want to.

Merry (Old) Christmas

2009-01-06T23:02:00.003-05:00

My Granny called today, January sixth, Old Christmas. I hope yours was a nice one.

Breakin Up Christmas
Telliquah Old Christmas

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T00:07:00.005-05:00

Just think this will be the last year for a long time that you will see those novelty eyeglasses with the round zero lenses.

http://www.shadesoffun.com/Nov-CP/2009_new_years_eve_glasses.html

I really hope my neighbors don't blow up one of the cars in the parking lot.

Also, for those of you keeping track today (January 1st) is the 8th day of Christmas.

Things that make me cry

2008-12-21T02:41:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I cry easily. The other day, a middle aged black woman brought a print into my store. It was a portrait of Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King. Underneath his picture was gold script lettering: "The Dreamer." In the upper right hand corner was a portrait of Barack Obama. Underneath his picture was also gold script lettering: "The Dream."

I started tearing up and when I later recounted this story, I really started tearing up again. It is such a powerful, beautiful sentiment when put that way.

I so hope his term in office will be one of the best we have ever had.

The Wedding train keeps chugging along

2008-12-21T02:37:00.002-05:00

Don't ask me how wedding plans are going. Don't you see my profile?

P-R-O-C-R-A-S-T-I-N-A-T-O-R

My wedding is in three weeks and I have no food or music.

But we have a cake by God!!

Hey, wait a minute!

2008-12-21T02:27:00.003-05:00

I have had two "hey, wait a minute" moments recently.

#1 Hey, wait a minute, I thought I was the only one who felt that way! Flickhead Spanking Babs Stanwyck

#2 Hey, wait a minute, I have the sweater the second guy from the right is wearing! And I wear mine unironically! Green Living Ugly Christmas Sweater parties

Franken to the left of me, Coulter to the right.

2008-11-04T21:50:00.004-05:00

Here I am (stuck in the middle with you.)

Today is the third time I have ever voted for president. Today is the first time I have voted for president only hours after surgery.

Please note DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH HARD. Brushing your teeth too hard can lead to receding gum lines receding gum lines can lead to gum grafts. Gum grafts hurt a lot after the numbing drugs wear off. My two root canals and dental bone graft did not hurt this much. It is supposed to feel like burning pizza on the roof of your mouth. It has been twelve hours since the surgery and it feels like the pizza decided to forgo burning me and just hit me in the side of the face with a two-by-four instead.

Before my surgery my Mother said I should write a letter to Obama to tell him of the difficulty I had to go through before I voted. The truth is as I went into the voting booth I was still undecided. I weighed the options in my head and went with the candidate whose positions were closest to mine. I am concerned about national security, but I felt that Obama will do the right thing if push came to shove. National security would have been the main reason to vote for McCain for me. Not that I am a Socialist. Socialism scares me. It is hard for me to write this because I do not like discussing politics with strangers at all. So why am I writing it? To point out my love for my fiancee and highlight the "interestingness" our wedding day will bring.

If you knew me and tried to pick out a man for me I don't know if Vince would be your first pick.
He is conservative, I am liberal. He is unconcerned with where his family comes from, I love family history. He loves to drive, I like to be driven.
At first we seem like opposites but we are actually quite alike. We both share the same sort of concerns and interests. We sort of mesh into each other in a magnificent give and take. Nothing is defined as "woman's work" or "men's work" we work together. It reminds me a lot of my parents in a way.

Vince and I are sort of like two undulating rough textured masses adhered to each other with a somewhat tick layer of very flexible putty. As we move the putty that hold us together bends and the masses dance back and forth in balanced harmony. That should be in the wedding vows.

Ah yes the wedding. The wedding reception will be alcohol free because I don't want to deal with drunk people on my wedding day. Also my anxiety level will be at orange (see chart below) so I don't think that alcohol will mix well into that.

hopefully no one will discuss politics with strangers.

I am serious. It stresses out my family. Vince's family thrives on it. And I don't think our two families are at the "harmonious undulating rough textured masses" stage yet.

My Anxiety Level Chart
Red -Severe
Arrested in a foreign country for something I did not do.

Orange -High
I am going to have a breakdown if these people don't stop acting the fool.

Yellow -Elevated
Dr. why can't I feel my foot?!

Blue -Guarded
Regular work related stress

Green -Low
I am at home eating chocolate and pickles watching a good movie.

Water, Water, Everywhere

2008-08-24T01:15:00.003-05:00

Tropical Storm Fay affected us this week. There was a ton of rain and many of the streets around here were impassable due to high waters. Luckily my home did fine, we only had standing water in our little "yard" area during the worst of the rain. Approximately two inches. The center driveways of the parking area in our complex got pretty full, most of the water was drained into the storm drains. By Tuesday afternoon the road leading to the complex was under water. It has rained at least some everyday here since Tuesday if not Monday night.

I write all this to say that right now the sprinklers in the complex are running and will run for at least the next half hour. This is why a rain gauge sensor on your sprinkler system is a good idea.

I have no say in the matter. Such is the life of a renter.

Wedding Budget

2008-08-11T00:30:00.004-05:00

Note: I wrote this a year ago, before I got engaged.

Average costs for a wedding according to someone who thinks they know what they are doing.

Bridal Gown $800

Eight hundred dollars for a dress I will never wear again? Seriously? If my wedding is not a national event requiring my dress to be put on display for the masses in a museum of some kind well then I need not be shelling out that kind of money.

Quite frankly I am surprised the cost isn't higher as all the dresses I think are pretty cost at least a thousand dollars or more.

At this point I am fairly certain that my mother will be making my dress. Why? Well, for one thing altering a heavily beaded or lace dress for the fourteen-inch difference between my hips and waist is just too difficult. Besides there's a part of me is just too practical to have a spangled, lacy, complicated and confectionery number to wear. Not that confectionery looks bad, I just would not have the room to store anything like that later. Unless I made curtains out of it. Hmm...

Veil/Headpiece $175

Are we talking tiaras here? Goodness knows I love the sparkly tiaras but the whole "princess bride" thing is lost on me. A tiara looks good with a vintages 1920s evening dress or a ball gown, worn to a party. Why such the fuss over bridal tiaras? Is it because the nicest thing you will ever wear in your life is a wedding dress? If so by all means wear the tiara. Tiaras are pretty, but required for a bride? no sirree.

A mini princess rant:
I think people who call themselves "princesses" are mentally disturbed. "I feel like a princess." Really? You feel duty bound and loyal to your family and country? You feel like taking on the role of political leader or diplomat or ambassador? Or do you have the commitment to allow your husband to rule without much input from you? You have the knowledge to adequately address your country's relations with the rest of the world? No?
Then sweetie you are merely wearing a pretty dress.

"I am a princess I deserve it." Real princesses sacrifice for it. They give up a lot for their position if they marry into it. They change their religion they lose their privacy and their children's privacy, they become a target of groups that want to dissolve the monarchy, or take down the religion or culture they represent. Or they marry Casper Van Dien.

Alterations/Accessories $340

My Mother does alterations and the fact the wedding dress is custom made will cut down on this little cost. But wait accessories you mean all the parts shown here but not included? Panties and t-shirts with rhinestone "Bride" or "Mrs. Whoeverimgettinhitchedtu" or jewelry not including what you put on your head. How about a purse to fill with Valium to get you throughout he day of relatives. God knows if this thing is anything like the Christmases I try to plan I'll end up depressed in an empty bathtub cradling a baby Jesus from the nativity display pretending I'm spending Christmas with a still living John Denver and the muppets. Christmas is like an abusive lover, I love it so much but it always hurts and disappoints so badly.

Anyway, where was I?
Tux rental for the groom $200

Future Husband has already said he will buy a tux. I hope that means in future he will take me places where I can wear a tiara.

Engagement Ring $3000

If I owned a $3000 dollar ring meant for everyday wear and not life in the safety deposit box with the tiara, I would swallow it at the first sign of trouble. For the health of my intestines please buy me a cheaper or second hand ring.

Wedding bands $1000

Sounds reasonable enough, I'm still not sure if would wear it or not though. My parents didn't wear their wedding rings either. My father has given my mother approximately five wedding rings over the years since their first set was lost in the 1960s. I think for them lifetime commitment is more important than little metal rings. Oh, my parents also did not have wedding photos and my mother wore purple.

Ceremony Music $150

I can deal with silence

DJ at reception $500; Ceremony site and Officiant $200; Reception and Catering 8,400

We'll get married in the backyard standing room only, no place to dance and no chairs cuts down on reception and site costs. Man, I'm clever.

Gifts for attendants $340

Three hundred and forty dollars! for that kind of money I can get you chairs to sit in!!

Flowers $970
Does that price merely reflect bouquets or table arrangements or what? If it is just for the bouquet that the bride carries; then for that price I want an exotic orchid and Meryl Streep reciting lines form Adaptation to go with it.

Cake $525

Everyone gets a newton. They are fruit and cake.

Photography $1,500 Videography $1,000

What if I want my day captured in Mockumentary fashion?

limo $225

Ha! That's funny!

Invitations $250

I wonder if the people printing the Invites would cut me a deal if I let them put in an ad?

My Fiancee's Blog

2008-08-05T22:45:00.001-05:00

My fiancee Vince has a new blog. It is a compendium of things he is into. It has a lot of local and national politics. If he gets too worked up you can just play some Weezer. That stuff is like violin music to the frankenstein monster.

Wedding Show

2008-08-05T22:24:00.002-05:00

I am getting married. I believe the wedding industrial complex is for the most part a beast
Earlier this year I went into the maw of the beast. It was not so bad. I do not know if it was the vibe I was putting off or what, but everyone seemed nice and standoffish. Except for one lady who, convinced I could not hear over the music being played across the room, screamed at me about the photographer she worked for. My ears rang for five minutes afterward. Thinking of it now I am reminded of a PBS special on deafness; a woman was deaf in one ear and wore a hearing aid in the other. People would lean to the non-hearing aid side and speak, she would turn her hearing aid ear toward them and the two of them would literally go in circles.

The food offered did not impress me. Not that I was offered any by one vendor who shoved two plates of food at my fiancee. Then she proceeded to tell me I needed the "soup to nuts" package. Rehearsal dinner, wedding brunch, wedding dinner, bon voyage breakfast. I said nothing but inside I was horrified. 1. My family hates what I come up with for even one meal. Half of them will eat before they show up. 2. I do not have enough money to feed a large group that much food 3. When am I supposed to be decorating the reception hall, tables, arranging the flowers and performing other menial tasks? 4. I usually get up at 11 am. When is this breakfast supposed to be? 5. Feeding my family is like giving soup to nuts. I could not resist. Part of me was dying to ask her Do you do dairy-free vegetarian? What about chitlins?

Perhaps I had good luck because I did not speak to everybody. One vendor lady seemed annoyed at this. Her: Do you want to come in and look so I can mark your paper? Me: No thank you. Her: glare.

If you visited each vendor and got your paper signed by each one you could be eligible to win a trip to… wait for it…JAMAICA. Never mind we all live ten minutes form the beach and 2 and a half hours away from Palm Beach luxury resorts. Why do I need to go to Jamaica? The beach is not even my favorite place to be. Also it is a couples resort. Nothing is more ick-inducing than newly married couples who think the world is their audience.

Needless to say I was not to keen on getting signatures to be eligible.

I still get calls and brochures to this day from vendors. Fun.

Wedding Checklist

2008-08-05T00:57:00.004-05:00

I am getting married. This is my response to a checklist of must-haves I found online.

Bridal Gown - I concede this one though I still think I'll get married in trousers.
Organizer or Planner - I have a binder that says "fuck the wedding industrial complex"
Bridal Headpiece - Still not sure on this
Wedding Etiquette Book - Trust me, I'm good people
Bridal Slip - similar to a Freudian slip
Napkins - Not the sanitary kind, right?
Bridal Shoes - A Florida January is still too cold for my tootsies
Book Matches - Am I setting the reception hall on fire?
Bridal Handbag - An old gym bag does just fine
Ribbon - Only if it is first place
Bridal Hosiery- This whole bride thing is already hosing me
Place cards - Sit where you find a chair please
Bridal Garter(s) - I might need these to keep my socks up. My mother suggested a skull design. I love my Mother.
Table Numbers- The table will be near your chair if all goes according to plan
Table Reserved Signs - No need for this
Bridal Gloves - Florida January usually not cold enough for gloves.
Something Old, New, Borrowed... Not doing this
Lingerie - I plan on wearing underwear yes
Guest Book - Making my own
Bridesmaids' Dresses- Only one bride's maid. I hope she is dressed
Plume Pen- Ballpoint
Bridesmaids' Shoes - I suppose
Sixpence Coin for Your shoe- When dating it is a good idea to have coins on hand for calling a cab if your date steals your purse… So I have heard
Mothers' Dresses – Only if everyone insists-
Toasting Glasses - Not toasting I don't think
Tuxedo Rental - Buying
Cake Knife and Server - Tupperware
Tuxedo Shoes - Getting greedy aren't we?
Engraving - Engraving what invitations? Glasses? Headstones?
Men's Formal Hose – Seriously, just call them dress socks
Ring Bearer Pillow - No ring bearer
Gown Preservation - Will be wearing it again soon
Flower girl Basket - Unsure on flower girls
Wedding Stationary - Does this mean thank you card?
Wedding Card Box or Basket - Borrowing one
Engagement Announcements - Sending an email
Cake Top - The two birds sitting on a granite monument similar to a headstone has been nixed
Invitations - Making my own
Wedding Favors - Making my own
Announcements - Sending them to people who we don't invite or can't make it
Unity Candle - Not doing this
Reception Enclosure Cards - Part of the invitations
Aisle Runner - If needed
Response Cards - Sending with invites
Jewelry- If I am wearing any I will make myself. I am not allowed skulls.
Map/Direction Cards – I suppose I can tell folks where it is
Bride's Wedding Ring - Recycled
Informals - What is that?
Groom's Wedding Ring - Recycled
Thank You Notes - I guess this is not included in stationary
Bride's Attendants Gifts - Nope
Postage Stamps - No choice on this
Flower girl Gift - Oh come on.
Calligraphy - I took a class on it
Groom's Attendants Gifts - Nope
Wedding Programs - Bought 50 inviting 97. People can damn well share.
Ring Bearer Gift – Once more I say, no ring bearer
Scrolls or Ribbons - Again with the ribbons!
Wedding Music - Tapes if no band
Personal Stationary - How much stationary do they want me to have??
Invitation Keepsake - I do not know what this is
Address Labels - I can write my own address besides the ones I like have roaches on them
Marriage License - The only thing we really need
Calligrapher – Hello, that's me
Gift for Groom - Also known as bride
Bachelor Party - Be glad I’m not going, I'd be asking the stripper about her kids the whole time
Gift for Bride - AKA groom
Rehearsal Dinner - For a selected few
Floral Bouquet Preservation - I’m composting them
Moving Cards - Already live together
Bird Seed - will only attract Egrets and those agressive brown birds that follow you in parking lots. I thought they were called Jackdaws but I think that is the wrong name for them.
Wedding Certificate - very important

My Medical Maze: part four

2008-03-25T22:54:00.002-05:00

As you may recall, last Monday I had my blood hormone tests. You know the one to determine if I had the syndrome I have already been diagnosed with. Afterwards, I made an appointment with a different doctor. I called on Friday to check on the results of the test. I was told that kind of test took longer and they would call me when the results came in. I told them that when it came in they needed to send it and the previous tests to the doctor I was seeing on Monday. They asked if he was an endocrinologist and I said no.

Monday comes and I go to the preferred doctor. His nurse made annoyed and disgusted noises when I told her the story about the other doctor's office. That made me feel better. She said that some people really like Dr I tolerate. I say that I understand that; my Father likes him a lot. I explained what was going on to the doctor the first five minutes went something like this: andthenaboutamonthagomyrightfootwentnumbfortenhours (breathe) andthenIwenttobedanditwasfineandthen... and so on. He scheduled me for an ultrasound on my right leg. He said he was sure Doctor I tolerate had done the right tests because he was not a bad physician. I say I felt a lot of the problem was administrative. He told me I needed to get copies of the test results. He said if we could not do it by phone I should go into to the office and stand at the counter until they gave me copies of the tests. That afternoon I call Dr I tolerate and see if anyone has contacted for the results they say no.

Tuesday (today) I call the preferred doctor's office to double check to see if anything was sent to them. They say no. So I go to doctor I tolerate's office to get the test results. The nurse gets me a copy. I ask if it is the most recent one and she says yes. (They were supposed to call about the most recent one, maybe they were going to do that later.) I ask for a copy of the first test as well.
The nurse asks "what kind of doctor are you taking this to?"
I say: "he's a general practitioner."
She says: "Dr you tolerate says he wants you to see an endocrinologist."

Insert any sound effect of your choice.

I tell her I have an appointment for one in June and that they have faxed over to ask for this information already to see if the appointment needs to be bumped up. The nurse writes down the endocrinologist appointment info and I leave.

I had the ultrasound late this afternoon. I will not know the results until tomorrow. However the very handsome man who did the ultrasound said while it was illegal for him to tell me the results if it were really bad they would not have let me leave the office. That was a relief.

And now I wait for tomorrow

My Medical Maze: part three

2008-03-23T23:39:00.002-05:00

Part three of my Medical Maze, This is the second email I sent out.

Well I went to the doctor today, again. I told him about Saturday at the ballet when my feet got so cold that it hurt to walk. He stated he had no idea why I get so cold. He said birth control pills cause poor circulation and blood clots (then he kind of shrugged). He also said it is important that I dont smoke because that could make my finger and toes more cold.

He then took blood to test my hormones, which is fine because this is something I need to have done anyway. Thay say they will call me back with the results. He did the test because he has nothing that says I have it. He seemed skeptical. Last week when I was having sharp pains on my lower right abdomen that made me have to sit through my shift at work, I discovered an inch long hair growing out of my chin. I told him about the pain. He said "but nothing more?" I told him about the hair. He said "only one?"

I told him I had been on birth control pills and when I went off of them I did not have a period for a whole year until I went back on them. He smiled and asked if that was the reason I was taking them or was I taking them for birth control. I coldly (in the figurative and literal sense) said "I am taking them to regulate my periods and for acne." What I should have said is "If I just needed birth control I would have just used condoms for the seven times I have had sex in the past 15 months, because my sex drive is so low." But I can't say that, because I am not comfortable enough around him to say that. I also lied about having had an ultrasound on my ovaries because I did not want him giving me one because I don't want him touching me. I should not be worried about that because the only time he has ever touched me is when he checks my breathing or feels the lymph nodes in my neck. He does not even shake your hand the way most of my other doctors have. That is right, he has never given me a physical exam. Or felt my thyroid, at that.

Ten minutes ago I made an appointment with the doctor I like, whom I am comfortable with but who is not covered by my insurance at this point i think it is worth that. Hopefully he has some ideas about my offand on my numb foot and the coldness.

(end of email)

So here is where I am at today, I am going to the doctor in around nine hours. I hope to get some answers. At least something better than what I have gotten so far.

my medical maze: part two

2008-03-23T23:27:00.002-05:00

This is the email I sent to my friends regarding my recent doctor dealings. It is lengthy.

It all started with a simple plan; Get health insurance get your tooth fixed get yourself tested for the genetic strain of peripheral neuropathy then get your thyroid checked. I got the Health insurance. The Dr I like is not on the health plan but a dr I have been to before was. Since I am a genius I decide well then let's go to Dr I like for big things and go to Dr I tolerate for tiny things. I have seen Dr I tolerate a few times over the past few years. Dr I like knows I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and a family history of Hereditary neuropathy and has offered to refer me to a podiatrist. Dr I tolerate seems to not listen to me. Dr I like was refered by my Gynecologist. Why? Because she does not like Dr I tolerate. I am now dying to find out what her reason is for not liking him.

So the first thing on my list was my tooth. We all know how that worked out. Good news is the bone is growing in to anchor the tooth, bad news is it's still hurts sometimes. the tooth problem pushed back the neuropathy and thyroid questions.

Then came Feb 19 I was leaving an appointment with Dr I tolerate when my right foot went numb. Scary numb. It felt like it was being dipped in cold listerine. My first thought was Oh crap I have neuropathy. I called the Neurologist and went in on Feb 26. They gave me a nerve test and assured me I had perfectly working nerves. Other than those on my two large toes where foot trauma (tightly fitting shoes) has permanently damaged the nerves. I am sure the Neurologist was surprised at my lack of happiness at the news I do not have my family's disease. I was thinking "Oh great then what is the problem with me."

Then I start calling endocrinologists, Who, like the great and powerful Oz no one gets to see without first undergoing great feats of tenacity and courage. None are accepting new patients and the one that was required a referral.

Oh that should be easy enough I thought... naively.

And thus my tale begins

After calling My Gynecologist who has my results fom my last thyroid test AND ultrasound I was told I needed my PCP to do the referral.

I call the Drs office. This is a crap shoot because you either get to talk to the dazed receptionist (DZR), the nice receptionist (NR) or the receptionist for which happy thoughts physically anguish her also known as the argumentative receptionist (AR.) I get AR.

AR: Dr's office

Me: Goes into explanation of foot and seeing the neurologist and fact that I have an enlarged thyroid and they did tests in 2001(before the standards changed).

AR: He will probably want to do some tests 2001 was along time ago (she goes on a bit)

Me.I want to find out what's wrong, I can't feel my foot!

AR: Do you want us to make an appointment?

and so forth

Feb 29 day of the appointment

I await pissed off in the waiting room. The television is turned to Maury Povich. Apparently some young African American man was not acknowledging his possible paternity of his ex-girlfriend's baby. Much screaming and bleeping occurs. I am sure I lost brain cells.

I am called in. They take my vitals they say my pulse is 68. This would be the first time any one has taken my vital signs in the past 6 years where my pulse is below 85. I think she made a mistake. My blood pressure is of course low, 110 over 80. The office is freezing cold. I feel myself get colder and colder. Around thirty minutes later the Dr comes in and I tell him all about my foot, the Neurologist (Dr writes down name of neurologist and misspells it) my nerve test results, the fact they have told me my thyroid is enlarged, the fact I get really cold, my Polycystic Ovarian syndrome, my tiredness. I will admit I did not tell him about some things because I am not comfortable with him.

He asks me to take off my socks and shoes.

He asks if my feet always look like that I look down, my toes are the color of a choking person- blue. "Great" I think "I'm never going to the Endocrinologist now."

Me: they look about the way they usually look

Dr: Don't they look blue? arent they usually more pink?

Me: Yeah I guess so, i'm just really cold.

Dr: Does it get worse when it is cold weather?

Me: yes

Dr: When you are home do you put heat on them

Me: Yes

Dr: asks if there is any pain and I say no then he discusses the importance of keeping my feet warm and looks at my hands which are only slightly blue on the fingernails. He then says he will do blood tests and that certain coronary poblems cause blue toes and pain do I have pain?
Me: No
Dr. We will do these tests and test your thyroid. If your blood sugar is high then it is high (he then smiles and shrugs)

Thursday the sixth- Six days later, I call

NR: Drs office how can I help you

Me: I am calling about test results

NR: Those are on his desk they should call you by the end of the week

Friday nothing

Monday I call

NR Drs Office how can I help you

Me: I am calling about test results they told me I should have the sesults by the end of last week and no one called

NR I think they are still on his desk they should call you today. I'll leave them a note

Monday a few hours later i call again

other nurse: Drs office how can I help you

Me: I am calling about tests they did and they said they were going to call sometime today-

other nurse: (cuts me off) what kind of tests? Labs-

Me: ( I cut her off) they did blood tests I know they were looking at my thyroid and some circulatory things

other nurse: I am looking at it right now and everything looks beautiful all good thyroid, arthritis, sugar. Were they going to do any follow up?

Me: I don't know

other nurse: I'll leave them a note to call you

A little while later I call again

AR Drs office how can I help you

Me I called just a little while ago (explains) Should I go ahead and make an appointment with the Dr for a follow up?

AR You mean you're not feeling better?

Me No... I. Still. Can't. Feel. My. Foot.

AR sets up an apt for Wed

Monday while my phone is off AR leaves message that they have my referral and they will call about my referral so they got me a referral. She literally used the word "referral" three times in the twelve second message.

Tuesday

I call and cancel my apt for Wed bacuase I have my referral

NR calls later with info

NR tells me all info on where and when the referral is and the Drs name

Me: what kind of a Dr is he?

NR: neurologist

After quelling the urge to throw something very heavy I call the referred Dr. or as I call him Dr Unnecessary.

smart receptionist: Dr Unnecessary's office how can I help you?

Me I have an apt on Monday I just wondered if you needed me to bring any information from the neurologist I saw on the 26th

smart receptionist: Yeah bring everything, wait, what?? you already saw a neurologist?

Me Yes

smart receptionist: Then why does he want us to see you

Me I have no idea

smart receptionist: what is going on

Me I repeat EVERYTHING I told the Dr

smart receptionist: Did you tell the dr that?

Me yes ma'am

smart receptionist: Dr Unnecessary specializes in Parkinson's, Seizures and Pain management did you have any issue with that?

Me No

smart receptionist: So what you really want is an Endocrinologist, Do you want me to call them and talk to them

Me: yes please

I call the dr's office and ask if they have gotten any info from my neurologist. dazed receptionist tells me I need to call my neurologist and "find out what the hold up is."

Later that day the smart receptionist calls me back and says she has cancelled my appointment and told them you want to see endocrinologist and that I should be getting a call back from Dr I tolerate's office.

Wednesday

I Talk with the only endocrinologist in the county who is accepting patients, she is sending a fax to Dr I tolerate

I call Dr I tolerate to let them know about the fax.

Thursday

I call and speak to thre dazed receptionist

DZR Dr's office how can I help you

Me: I relate the drama thus far

DZR Your going to need to come in to talk to Dr I tolerate

Me: Okay

(silence)

Me: Can I go ahead and make an appointment for that?

(pause)

DZR you want to make an appointment?

Me: yes

while I am at work I get a call from Dr I tolerate's office they got a request for a referral and I need to call them

Friday is going to be fun

The best part? I have a genuine endocrine disorder. Ignore the foot, forget the cold. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I get the very distinct and sickening feeling that everyone's attitute would be completely different if I said those five magic words "I want to get pregnant." They would treat me then. It does not matter if I am miserable or scarred or unhealthy, but if I want to be a vessel for a magic fetus they can't in good conscience keep me living the way that I am.

My medical maze: part one

2008-03-23T23:24:00.001-05:00

It all started with a plan. You know plans, those things that never seen to work out the way they were intended. My plan was rather simple. I got health insurance and then set off to do three things: have my cracked tooth fixed, get tested for a disease that runs in my family, see an endocrinologist for my thyroid and polycystic ovaries.

Off we go.

Short history of my tooth.

Number 14 molar. It is a demon tooth.
When I was ten or there abouts on a camping trip, my tooth came apart. No pain whatsoever. I felt a hard thing in my mouth and I spit it into my hand; it was a piece of tooth. Later that day I went home and told my Mom. Because there was no pain, my mother did not worry and it was a while before I saw a dentist. A whole month or more. Still no pain. I went to the dentist and my tooth scared them. They told me that my mother should have not waited so long I told them that it did not hurt. They put a temporary on and sent me to someone else. The next dentist shot me up with novocaine, a lot of novocaine. Then they took the temporary off and I was in pain. I could feel what they were doing. Dentist #2 said he did not want to put any more novocaine in me. At this time a girl not much younger than me had died in a dentist's office after getting too much novocaine and they were freaked out. They put the temporary back on and sent me to an endodontist. Endodontist does pulp test sends me on my way to dentist #3. Dentist #3 was actually my pediatric dentist. He put it a 3/4 filling in my tooth.

Fast foreward to 2004. My filling is now cracked. Once again no pain.

I get insurance in 2007. Do a happy dance and go in for my crown. But my friends trouble lurks. The is a shadow on my xray, could it be infection? cyst? sinus? My Dentist sends me to the endodontist who tested it years before. The tooth is dying and I need a root canal. Root canal is performed in June. No pian during root canal worst part was toward the end of the procedure when I had to pee and "the View" was on television in the office. I leave and all seems normal. Then I drink and eat hot things, and feel it on the tooth. In August I go to my dentist who is stumped, he says some people have a fourth root but he did not think I did. I go back to the endodontist he fills the fourth root. He tells me most people have a fourth root but it is so small that you can't feel anything on it and that I am the first person in the history of his practice to feel something on the fourth root. I had absolutely no pain during the operation. December comes and I am still feeling pain at the root of my tooth. I go to the endodontist again. This time it is revealed that because my sinus dips down around my tooth's root the tooth has been turning in its socket. The dentist puts in a bone graft and a membrane between the bone and the sinus.

Needless to say this put a bit of a hold on steps two and three of the plan.

Then came the day my foot went numb.

TYRA BANKS, BODYVILLE, PHONE SEX AND RELIGION

2007-11-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

I recently watched The Tyra Banks Show entitled Bodyville. Why? God only knows, I am not a fan of Tyra's show. Until now I have never seen a whole episode.

Here's the set up: a whole bunch of women with some sort of body issue (plus one woman who seems pretty into herself, but she is tactless and easily hated so it balances out) are asked to go by Society's Stereotypes and judge the each other with the helpful use of signs and unitards.

Could not possibly go wrong, could it?

Here is the break down:
Asian Girl, thinks about her appearance 20 times a day. I don't think I think about any one thing an average of twenty times a day.
Russian Girl, angry at the others for having feelings.
Fat Black Girl, beauty pageant participant.
Fat Light Skinned Black Girl has had WLS and major mother issues.
Fat White Girl gets annoyed easily.
Top Heavy Girl, she is a boxer which explains said top-heaviness.
Skinny Black Girl remembered chiefly because they gave her the label of "skeletor."
Athletic and hot are the women who did not do anything to stand out in my mind. I seem to recall one of them had an eating disorder in high school.
I had totally forgotten who the other one was; I know there is one more because there are ten labels

My question is this, why even bother? We all know the stereotypes. It is an impossible situation made worse by the fact that a lot of the women had their own prejudices. I also love how the big selling point of "pitting race against race" only seemed to work against the black ladies.

Russian girl got picked for fat slob, then proceeded to argue for the next two hours she was not fat. I guess the slob part did not bother her. And God forbid anyone mention the irony of her being the one that suggested the label to begin with, that started a new round of shrieking.

And so everyone was meant to learn that judging people and calling them names is bad. Most folks learned that in kindergarten but I guess we all need a refresher course sometime.

If I were on that show it would be a whole different story.

Okay girls get in front of the mirror and talk about your body
Describes my relationship and acceptance of my body. Goes on further to describe how much fun it is making nude dancing full body shadow puppets and how depending on the way my public hair is shaved I can impersonate bearded men in front of a mirror before my shower. All you do is draw on the nose and squash your belly fat into a mouth then… Tyra banks show segment director pulls me away from the mirror... Wait! Wait! I can twirl tassels too! just not in the same direction at once. Tyra banks show producer takes me aside and explains about Society's Stereotypes

Okay time to affix the labels.

This is kind of stupid. Can I nominate myself for fat slob? I am fat and that does not bother me and I imagine the fact that I shave my legs an average of three to four times a year would make me a slob to some people. Don't cry like that Tyra Banks show segment director it breaks my heart.
Oh I get to judge others now okay? But only based on what society says right not my own opinions? Gotcha.
Skeletor and needs to eat go to the two skinniest people and What we have to pick one at a time? Can we go back and change our answers? No? Well boo. Do I have to use these labels? Yes? Well, double boo.

Seriously though strictly based on bodies not face not story not race or ethnicity and judging based on Society's Stereotypes two skinniest no matter how heavy get “skeletor” and “needs to eat” even though muscular probably needs to eat more that the skinny ones do, what with that freight train metabolism. Except in cases where muscular is not that muscular and happens to fit the label better than anyone else. Two fattest no matter how thin get “fat slob” and “couch potato.” “Unhealthy” is up for grabs as being underweight is supposedly worse than overweight however chances are underweight has already been labeled “skeletor.” “Hot” and “bangin bod” go to the middleweights and “athletic” to the slim girl without hips. Most get “thick” for coming on the show in the first place. Oh, they mean the other definition of the word.

What's that Tyra Banks Show segment producer? Stop being so chipper? Be more serious? Why should I? This is great I don't have think at all for myself my answers are solely based on society's stereotypes. It's like having a non surgical lobotomy. Drooollls

Okay time to choose a career for each other

Too easy, especially since this is part where we are really supposed to pit race against race right? Hey now, Tyra Banks Show segment director don't get all squeamish that's what it said in the previews. Okay let's see career choices actress, waitress, stripper, phone sex operator, Is this a career list or open casting for Sin City 2? Ha-ha, I'm so hilarious. Are you drinking milk of magnesia Tyra Banks Show segment director? Maid, janitor, truck driver, wow we really have come a long way. CEO, oh aren't we all high and mighty, one CEO out of a host of blue collar workers. Okay here goes. I can only remember some of the career choices but that is okay I can only remember some of the girls.

Truck driver- got to be the top heavy boxer. You don't have a voice for television my dear with that accent. They all said Fat Black Girl, because Russian Girl said she saw black women truck drivers. I don't think I have ever seen but maybe one black woman driving a big rig, perhaps they meant bus driver, I had a black lady drive my school bus when I was a kid. She was not fat though.
Actress- I'd toss that to any of the average unmemorable ones as most actresses are in small forgettable roles
CEO My first thought is Russian Girl because she looks the oldest but that accent will kill her. What's that Tyra banks Show segment director she's Albanian from Kosovo? Well in that case the fact she comes from a country with such a heavy population of Muslims will probably be just as bad. Does not matter if she is Muslim or even Politically Islamist we’re going by Society's Stereotypes. Hey Tyra Banks Show segment director can I copyright that phrase? Anyway because Albanian Girl has an accent I'd go with stripper. New York City is full of Eastern European strippers. But chances are she would probably be considered too fat/old to dance at the higher end clubs.

WEE Fun I'm never thinking for myself ever again!!

Waitress- Fat Black Girl. Wait are we talking Diners or high end places because if television and movies show us anything diner waitresses are usually fat and black.

Janitor or Maid- Toss up skinny black girl and fat white girl.

CEO- There was much discussion about whether America was ready for a black woman CEO so they went with Asian girl. However there are a few Asian and black female CEOs (less Asian if you don't count India and Pakistan) and Oprah Winfrey is the richest woman in America. I'm gonna go with Fat Light Skinned Black Girl. She's light skinned and soft spoken enough that she won't freak out the white men who are truly in power. Kind of like a prettier Condoleeza Rice. Why would I need a police escort to my hotel Tyra Banks Show segment director? I'm only going by Society's Stereotypes (trademark)

Now ladies and gentlemen I have to break with Society's Stereotypes (look for the new Society’s Stereotypes board game available this Christmas!) I have to admit I would have chosen Asian Girl for phone sex operator. No not because she is Asian but because of her so very strong AUSTRALIAN accent. I admit I crack up like a mad woman whenever they rerun that old Saturday Night Live with Elle Macpherson. The one with the ad for 1 600 555 aussie for Australian phone sex guaranteed to get your thunder down under. The operators use dialect and slang that is so overpowering that you are not sure what exactly is happening. It sends me into fits of giggles. "Laugh all over me kookaburras."

I for one can’t wait until they do this with devoutly religious people

Today on the Tyra Banks show
Jew Muslim Catholic Protestant Buddhist Amish Atheist Mormon
See the carnage as they label each other unbeliever, oppressor, hates women, dresses silly, baby killer, greedy, lazy, child molester.
And pick out careers for each other humanitarian, lawyer, terrorist for hire, male model, convicted felon, pig farmer, closeted homosexual living a lie no matter what career choice, banker.

I can see it now, No, no terrorist for hire means someone who only does it for money not the true glory of their religion, just the money, don't be insulted. They jump the gun on the labels then end up having to put child molester on the poor Amish guy. Then they put pig farmer on the Amish guy because only the Muslim and Jew see pigs and unclean and farming them to be an insult, but the Amish guy actually farms pigs and it's a no-brainer. Then the poor Amish guy has to wear a sign that says child molester pig farmer. I mean just picture it, that sad picture of an Amish man wearing a unitard with a sign like that.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY SOCIETY, SHAME ON YOU!

Halloween Turkeys

2007-09-10T01:06:00.000-05:00

It's getting to be that time of year again, the holidays. If the retail giants of the world are to be believed anyway.

I work in retail and it is sometimes hard to keep track of time here in reality. You walk into the store I work in and your first thought is "My God, Thanksgiving must almost be here." That's what I would think anyway, seeing as all the displays that greet you upon entering are things that say "Harvest" and "Happy Thanksgiving." There are also plush turkeys, plain pumpkins and scarecrows. Not to mention fall leaves and pilgrim and Indian figurines and turkey platters and serveware for thanksgiving meals.

But what do 90% of the people walking in say? "Look! Halloween stuff already!"

Indeed.

Verbose and Voluptuous

2006-12-31T23:46:00.000-05:00

As the fireworks start for the last of 2006, I figured I would post something I wrote December ninth.

I just got into an argument with my boyfriend. I am not sure over what. I keep trying to understand but I can’t. He claims I am refusing to understand.

Cowboys Indeed

It started simply enough. We were discussing music when Paula Cole’s “Where have all the Cowboys Gone?” came into the conversation. I really don’t like the song. And when I was younger I detested it. I was probably what? Sixteen when it came out and I really did not get it. I mean how stupid could she have been? Cowboys? John Wayne? Did she even know what real cowboys do? Ooh I want a real man who will leave me for weeks and weeks on end while you go on a cattle drive. Yeah, and I was like Paula, all those women in westerns do nothing but do laundry and cook. And the men in those saloons getting a drink are not doing so for the male sensitivity training. Seriously my annoyance was almost as bad as when I read in People magazine how Kirsten Dunst thought fathers should give their approval of a boy before a girl went out, and I was all “What! You antifeminist!” Even though when she said and I read it we were both under the age of fifteen.

I am an adult know and I think both parents should approve of anyone a minor is dating.

See? I mature, I really do. But I digress as well.

I then mentioned to my boyfriend the only thing I ever liked about Paula Cole was that she did not shave under her armpits. She also did not care if people were turned off by that. I remember reading in my Entertainment Weekly magazine an angry letter from her regarding them airbrushing her armpit hair. The next week a letter ran from a woman about how EW was doing everyone a favor by airbrushing out that disgusting armpit hair.

(Just for context- right now on E! They are discussing how horrible Jennifer Hudson is for eating a cookie after eating noting but sushi for thanksgiving dinner* and her new healthy snacking habits.)

I have stopped shaving under my arms but for my boyfriend’s office Christmas party I am going to shave them. Why? I have not quite figured out. To be honest it is probably because I want to be accepted. Accepted by a bunch of strangers and for this will make a small acquiesce to the aesthetics of others. Perhaps that is why celebrities lose weight. “Oh it’s not that big a deal and people will like me more”

(Great balls of Fire is on right now. I so wanted to be Winona Ryder when I was young. Like me, she had short dark hair and dark eyes.)

(The following is contested but it is as I remember it.) My boyfriend then said one of the reasons I would like Paula Cole is because she was “big…well, bigger”

Then the argument. The gist was that I point out plus size actresses and models to him and I am drawn to plus size performers. I am not getting into the argument as I still don’t quite get it. But the fact is that yes I have recently decided to seek out cinema that predominately features genuinely plus size actresses (and some of those Hollywood perceives as “plus**”)

Why am I doing this? Well, not that many actresses look like me and quite frankly that annoys me. Lack of diversity annoys others as well. My mother said she saw B.D. Wong on television complaining he never gets to kiss the girl as he is too busy playing a doctor. And yes, I know he is gay that is not the point, Rupert Everett kisses girls all the time in movies.

I do enjoy studying the politics of it all, the subtleties and the unconsciousness of how fat is perceived.

(Oh well now I have to finish this thing because I have been working on it for more that an hour but as I type at this moment Delta Burke is on Headline Prime Showbiz Tonight on CNN discussing the pressure in Hollywood to be thin. God does she look good. Proof that boxy eighties clothes and lots of eyeliner as seen on Designing Women are not the best for her.)

When I was young all fat people on television went on diets or had been on diets, the women anyway. The only fat girls I ever saw have any successes were Roseanne (and yes my just-as-fat-as-I-was best friend made fun of me because I looked like Roseanne when I was ten) and later Rosie O’Donnell (A League of Their Own.) Say what you will about her, Rosie O’Donnell being in that movie really did help my self image.

Then there was Janeane Garofolo’s self deprecation, she seemed so angry. Let alone the fact that when I was eleven and twelve I was the most vicious and tear-down toward the women I saw in magazines when with my fat friends (well, my two fat friends but especially my best friend. We fed off each other’s negativity in a very disturbing sort of way at times. We were the only two fat females in our entire grade and probably the grades above and below us as well.)

Now as I am older and the “war on obesity***” goes on Janeane’s sort of anger makes more and more sense to me.

A sample from memory of Janeane Garofolo’s routine from years back.
“ ‘A return to glamour this year with a more slender figure as the ideal.’ As opposed to last year when fat girls got a free ride; last year when back fat was all the rage.”
“The people on T.V. say ‘Cindy Crawford - one of the larger models.’ Fuck you!!! Fuck you!!! You know you are lying!!!”

I also read magazines when I was young. Teen and YM, never a fat girl to be found in those pages**** that is why plus size models in major publications are such a joy for me to see. Not a “real woman” (read: housewife or person on the street amateur) but a full-on fat glamour queen decked to the nines and unapologetic about her size. Hello Charlotte Coyle.

Fat burlesque performers blow my mind with their mere existence when I think of all the times I wanted to be some video slut and not sexually empowered. Or the time when I was thirteen and decided to be a lesbian stripper -- more specifically a stripper for lesbians. Not a lesbian myself.

Quite frankly the fact I have had no problem being naked in front of the men I have dated sometimes surprises me. Was I supposed to be ashamed? Maybe I am okay with my body because I did not go to a traditional high school and have not had much peer pressure; if I had stayed in that sort of school situation perhaps I might not be so comfortable with myself. I damn well better be comfortable with myself I have spent so many years with just myself as a peer.

(Darn it I’m going to break down and watch this Crystal Bernard/Steve Guttenberg Christmas movie at some point. It has been on almost every night. Remember Crystal Bernard? She was on Wings; her character was a former fat girl who was not happy or fulfilled until she lost weight)

I guess much like I was drawn to Winona Ryder when I was young I am still to this day drawn to people who look like me. Is that human nature? I am just glad there are more people who look like me on television now. And hopefully that diversity will increase I mean come on first fat white women the next thing you know we will have “minorities” in more and more prominent roles even romantic leads in mainstream films geared toward white audiences. Who knows B.D. Wong may get to kiss the girl on screen yet.

As for Paula Cole, even if she weighed three hundred pounds I still would not like where have all the cowboys gone? I would still think it cool that she doesn’t care if people complain if she does not shave under her arms.

*Link to story about how you should not fuck around with Thanksgiving Dinner (Amusing although I do not agree with all the points)
http://www.jessicaweiner.com/media_press_12.htm

** I saw the episode of Saturday night live where Scarlett Johanson one of the most unbelievably gorgeous (not beautiful, “beautiful” implies a good soul as well and I don’t know much about her personal or philanthropic life. “Gorgeous” is an amazing prettiness) women in United States cinema. She does not look fat, she does not look underweight either. Standing next to Amy Poehler in an identical dress she looked a good deal bigger than Amy Poehler, perhaps this is where the “fat” comments come from? Her ribcage is bigger than someone else’s ribcage and this makes her a “big” star, a “heavy” star?

*** “War on obesity.” Not to be confused with the “war on Christmas.” No one has demanded Santa get gastric bypass surgery. Yet.

**** Biggest girl I ever saw as a professional model that I can recall when I was reading it was Liv Tyler. I remember thinking I looked like her (LOL) for reasons unknown to me now. Where was her sister when I needed her?

Also in YM an interview with Alicia Silverstone (the cover with her and the duckies or chickies) revealed she did not shave her legs. Next month came the angry letter from a girl who thought that was disgusting.

Edited to remove improper html.

Football season again

2006-10-16T22:59:00.000-05:00

What is in a name?

So… my boyfriend’s name is Vince Young. He owns the domain vinceyoung.com. On his website there is a picture of him. You see this picture the second the page loads. People see this picture read some of the text and then they send him e-mail as if he were the football player Vince Young. This is slightly amusing when done as a joke and downright disturbing when someone does it in all seriousness.

People do not ask themselves the following:
How does the very busy Tennessee-based athlete Vince Young find time to host a radio show in Florida?
Why is there a picture of a man who in no way resembles him on the front page?
Why would there be absolutely no reference to football on the site?

For those of you who simply have no time to actually read a site or look at the pictures and merely stay long enough to get an e-mail address, only to then dash off a note filled with grammar expected form a pop idol fan aged eight (She knows who she is) please skim the following helpful hints.

Vince Young the athlete has a team of “people” protecting his interests and helping him with his every move. My boyfriend has me, and trust me I am a pain in the ass to get by.

Vince Young the athlete is a finely tuned machine of muscle and physical strength. My boyfriend is in radio, he is an opinionated windbag.

Vince Young the athlete is black or, in Naginese, “chocolate.” My boyfriend is white. Very white. Irish white.

And what happens you may ask, if my boyfriend becomes famous? How are we to ever deal with two famous Vince Youngs (Vincent Young not included?) Oh, I’m sure we’ll survive. After all it merely took context and a bowtie to tell Sen. Paul Simon from singer Paul Simon. It simply takes a glance at a photo or still from a film to know whether or not the star is Vanessa A. (Melrose Place) Williams or Vanessa L. (former Miss America) Williams.

But something tells me for some of these people a bowtie or middle initial won’t be enough to tell “the” Vince Young from my Vince Young.

Oh, and Vince Young the athlete better not do anything stupid that would impede my boyfriend getting speaking engagements. Though thinking about it, that would be kind of funny; “Take your protest elsewhere ! It is a different Vince Young! That effigy looks nothing like him!”

Fat

2006-10-16T22:55:00.001-05:00

So I decided to start this blog to focus more on sizism, lookism and politics related to such matters. But mainly fat. Yeah I said it. FAT. FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

I focus on the negative portrayal of fat in the media and my boyfriend complains about the negative portrayal of religion in the media. However, we have yet to sit down and watch the Vicar of Dibley (Always too busy when it comes on.) I like Dawn French.

In many ways religion is just as devisive as fat. The difference being the Government cannot be allowed to tell you what religion or spirituality to have or not have. But the government loves to tell us how fat we are and how best to conquer said fat.

But the Government is NOTHING compared to mass media. Ever read a fitness, fashion or woman's magazine? Each month a new diet and a new skinny, young and perfect ideal to aspire to. Don't doubt it for a moment, the magazine is trying to manipulate you.

Movies and television seem to promote the being thin is just as good as being healthy and that thin automatically equals beautiful. A quick note on Shallow Hal ( A film I have not seen excepting a scene or two near the end) I do not believe the point was that beauty equals thin but that Hal's idea of beauty equalled thin. That is probably why all the "hot" women he started meeting were in his imagination thin, no matter how big they were to begin with.

News magazines and television journalism. One word, and that word is beware.

Radio, specifically talk radio and especially the "hot talk" genre for instance "Morning Zoo". You should extremely wary of such programs as they are filled with one sided views opinionated hosts who care nothing for facts and your take on things. Easiest thing to do is turn them off as chances are they really don't want to hear your side anyway and the only way to make them go away is to ignore them (just like any other media celebrity.) Unless you really want to win those free breast implants then by all means listen away:) A radio host who is more politically oriented and actually cares about what others think is something else entirely.

Generally speaking of course all of these shows can be highly entertaining. I speak of course as a Howard Stern fan (not a big enough fan to plunk down the dough for satelite radio as I am cheap when it comes to things like that.) When Howard makes comments that he prefers a starving Gwen Stefani (she said she is always hungry) to a "fat' Amber Tamblyn, I get annoyed that he thinks Amber Tamblyn is "fat." When he read a letter from someone who called him on it he simply said no one can convince him that larger is better when it comes to women. Which is fine he is after all only one man and his attraction to my body type is about as important to me as Donald Rumsfeld's attraction to my body type. The trouble comes when you constantly hear things like "so-and-so is fat" and "she looks so much hotter now that she lost weight" (referring to Gwen Stefani.) Your mind starts to accept this as truth just as hearing certain things over and over start to cement them in your mind as well. The human head weighs more than that kid in Jerry Maguire said it does. Do not believe everything you hear no matter the source.

I think Gwen Stefani is cute by the way and I never even noticed she lost weight.

The kids are alright

2006-10-16T22:52:00.000-05:00

I freely admit I am stalking my niece and nephews on myspace. Well maybe it is more like "keeping an eye on them..." Okay fine so it's stalking. I cannot help it! I am fascinated by them.
They start out as these small non-talking creatures (I can call them creatures Barbara Walters can't) that absorb everything around them. Then they get older and develop personalitites and attributes that distinguish them more and more. You hear about all the trials and hardships they go through and their accomplishments as well. Then one day it seems that despite the fact they argue with you or say things that tend to piss you off (but then again who doesn't in your family) you wake up and realize "hey, they turned out pretty good didn't they?"

Then you recognize one of their MySpace friends as the sister of someone you have not seen in many years. You realize the last time you saw this child was when she was four years old. Then you notice that now nineteen year old child's brother, the last time you saw him was when he was northing more than the cause of his mother's protruding pregant belly. You realize he is now sixteen years old. This in turn makes you feel ANCIENT.

But then MySpace sort of does that already anyway.

Then again I have always felt older than my age.

Yeah... I'll just keep telling myself that.

P.S. for a while my niece was a Gap girl which I found hilarious, Am I the only one besides my Mom who remembers them?
Just belt them and cinch 'em! You gotta cinch 'em!

An Update

2006-08-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

So I'd like to take this blog into more of a personal political type of blog. I want to write more about how I feel about feminism, fat rights and other such things. But just when I get things worked out in my head a new concept appears, such as white privilege. An idea I cannot recall hearing about at great lengths in the past but one I certainly can see as being true.

In the future I would like to come to terms with this more. I just need to collect my thoughts on this and other subjects.

In the meantime, back to my entertaining blather and drivel.

Today's lesson: Do not acknowledge the insanity of crazy street people

2006-06-04T19:46:00.000-05:00

Today I had to remind my mother that you are not supposed to mention the insane activities of those that operate on different levels than us. Or better put: Do not antagonize the man who is following us around and talking to himself (and not in a hands-free cell phone headset way.) Luckily the man was speaking too loudly to hear her anyway.

Today also marked the first real down pour we have had in forever.
Hopefully it will make a difference in the amount of fires we have been having.

It sure made a difference in the laundry I had hung out to dry; soaked them, knocked some in the dirt and coated others with debris. Fun.

But at least it rained. Thank God.

maggot noodles

2006-05-15T20:46:00.000-05:00

tonight I learned why we don't put spaghetti down our garbage disposal.

Specifically I learned that Asian grocery bought fish soup with vermicelli-like rice noodles should not be put down the disposal.

The noodles get chopped up then they clog the sink and water fills above the noodle pieces stuck in the disposal blades.
So I turn off the water and the disposal. Then I restart the disposal. At this point a small sea of maggot look-alikes that were once rice noodles come spewing forth from both drains in the double sink.

It only took five to ten minutes to clean up. It did not ruin my night or anything.

I look on the bright side:
At least there was not much of it. At least the soup despite being two weeks old did not smell too fishy. At least they were not real maggots; even taking into account my mother says real maggots are easier to deal with than rice noodle kind.

Miscellaneous Musings

2006-05-04T23:12:00.000-05:00

Ahh miscellaneous, the category that comprises things I did not feel like categorizing.

Once, when I was younger, I was shopping at a Camelot music store. I was at the wall marked "Misc." I wanted to buy a Whitesnake tape, and this was where it was kept. Why? Possibly because it was circa 1991-1994 long past the Tawny Kitean-ed prime of Whitesnake.
I only wanted it for Here I go Again. Itunes had yet to be invented. Not only that when typing this I changed the word "album" to "tape" for clarification.
I use the word "album" interchangeably with CD or tape when referring to new releases, I guess I should just say "new release."
I suppose it would help if I actually owned any CD's. I have a lot of tapes, but I have not bought anything lately. In this context lately refers to the last 5 years at least, I think.

A young couple came into where I worked. the female said to me "you probably don't know but do you know where the used record store is?" "No" I told her "I know there is one around here."
Thinking about it later I wondered why wouldn't I know where the record store was? I know chances are she put it that way because the store is kind of hidden and in an odd location (I have learned this since) and not because I look like some sort of anti-hipster stick in the mud. They were between the ages of 16 and 22, not too much younger than me. I wonder what kind of music they thought I looked like I listened to. I wonder if I could handle the answer.

Now on to the "musing" part of the post.
I have been attempting the endless task of paring down my favorites folder. This does not really work as well as it should. My method is to visit sites that have been earmarked for me to look at later; When later comes, I visit the site and delete it from my favorites folder. The trouble arises when the site has links, I click the links and end up saving a truckload of them to look at later. Vicious cycle.

I have been going through the Cynical-C archives. There is some good stuff linked there.
For instance microwave grape plasma and starting a fire using a balloon, condom or (most intriguing to me) clear animal intestine.

I have also been in self-debate mode as to which horror dolls could be considered art and which ones would not. I came to the conclusion all are art the only questions are why were they made? And why would anyone spend money on them? But then again I guess all art is summed up that way.
I do not care for the ultragory dead baby dolls nor the Ed Gein inspired art fixtures I have seen in my searching.
I do like these though:
DeMonika Totz Some of them remind me of a baby version of Lorne form "Angel" and seriously how cute is that? Answer: extremely cute.
Krypt Kiddies especially Krypt Kuddles So cute I want my baby to be born with horns. Soft, cartilidge-based horns of course. See one of the dolls in action at the Adventures of Baby Kim.
edit 6/4: How could I forget DemonKidz?

These are not necessarily horror dolls but I think they are pretty cool ooak (one of a kind) dolls.
Plum's Place Huckleberry Pie as Pinhead from Hell Raiser
Living Art by Ruth Lucas Lucy Westenra from Bram Stoker's Dracula
Sheepies 666 Lots of custom dolls (and another Pinhead!)

I'm getting mixed messages here. Am I supposed to buy one or what?

Giving psychiatry a bad name

2006-02-09T02:01:00.000-05:00

This just has to be shared. Oh wait I am sorry, lumpenly shared. Because some people would rather see you or your child hearing voices, schizophrenic and in-fucking-sane, rather than seeing them happy, mentally sound and fat.

To be honest the author(s) of this piece could very easily be projecting themselves and their prejudices into this entire situation or else why would we need to know the unit's consultant had a "small chin." They seem terribly fixated on looks.

And to any parents reading this who have faced the horror and helplessness of watching a child drift into mental illness (especially schizophrenia,) take heart as you are identifying the remains of your child who finally out of desperation to silence the voices that have been tormenting them ended their own misery, and remember there are doctors who would rather see someone "pretty" than helped for their problem. Doesn't that make you feel better?

link found via big fat blog
Also Natalie makes a good point about possible sexual assault in the above link.

Procrastination

2006-01-23T14:38:00.000-05:00

My boyfriend informs me that I should update my blog more often. Meh. Next he'll be telling me I need to take down my Christmas tree.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK December 4-10

2005-12-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

This week's goal is backwards

Last week’s actual result: I saw the new Harry Potter movie and stayed awake the whole way through. After the film I commented that I enjoyed it despite it's lack of invisible penises. To this my ex-boyfriend's brother pointed out that the film could have been filled with invisible anything and I would not have seen them. This of course explains all the invisible hedgehogs I saw during the previews.

What I want to do this week: Find out who would win in an olympic style competition, invisible hedgehogs or subliminal rats.

What I will likely end up doing instead: Have my heart broken when I realize that due to their poltical nature, subliminal rats can easily be bought and may throw the key games.

As per last post

2005-11-16T15:53:00.000-05:00

I am seriously considering getting a vibrating broom stick.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK #5 November 13-19

2005-11-16T15:39:00.000-05:00

What I want to do this week: See new Harry Potter film at a midnight showing and calm my momentary lust for Alan Rickman characters.

What I will likely end up doing instead: Sleep (and dream) through new Harry Potter movie and be disappointed when I find out upon a later viewing that Snape did not actually create a sex spell allowing you to be deliciously fucked by an invisible penis. Those who won't be disappointed will be those who witness my gesticulations during said dream; this will result in getting invitations to more midnight showings.

Last week's actual goal: Made it to Hallowe'en with seven pieces of candy left.

Six pills of one thing can't hurt you

2005-10-09T20:49:00.000-05:00

So, you know that new commercial for the formerly(?) ephedra-based drug Metabolife that features that REALLY annoying woman. Come on you know the one I mean. She used to weigh a whole 55lbs more than she does now. And she is very happy about her weight loss and very disgusted at her old photos that show her looking exactly the same as she does now only slightly larger. Most before and after photos usually show the before as happier and younger looking than the after. Hers have little discernable difference. Weird.

Anyway the woman is ...memorable. I wonder if in fact she used to be heavy because people tried to keep her constantly eating to avoid hearing her talk. I know that is mean. Maybe the way she comes across is the fault of the ad's editors. All I know is that the lady is slightly ethnic looking (think Nia Vardalos) and has the anger of Lucy Van Pelt combined with the nervous intensity of a crazed lemur. "Lookatmeinthis! Lookatmeinthis! Andthis! Andthis!" "Just two pills before breakfast, two pills before lunch and two pills before dinner!"

She would probably be perfectly lovely if she just calmed down a bit.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK #4 OCTOBER 9-15

2005-10-09T20:35:00.000-05:00

What I want to do this week: Not eat all of the entire two pound bag of Halloween candy I bought yesterday before Halloween. However, it is not like we actually get trick-or-treaters around here.
What I will likely end up doing instead: Eating all the candy and panicking when trucks of children unload in front of my home demanding treats, forcing me to give them the only prepackaged food items in the house- the packets of soy sauce, duck sauce and mustard you get from Chinese takeaway.
Note: To be honest I did not buy the candy for trick-or-treaters at all. I still don't want ot eat all of it before Halloween though.
Last week’s actual result: In my home the dust mites have sherpas and the dust bunnies are spelunking.

Halloween is coming and I Am A Rambling

2005-10-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

I adore Halloween.

I can spend hours looking at Halloween decorations.

When Halloween comes I get the urge to cover everything in black and orange, get the itch to move to a pumpkin farm and chase after my pets while trying to dress them in costume.

I love trick or treaters. My mother and I have been known to give out toothpaste (like Cher in Mermaids) IN ADDITION to candy (no angry comments that I am a crazy tooth decay-prevention lady.) But only to certain kids in the neighborhood that we knew, as that gets expensive quick. We had one trick or treater last year and none the year before three the year before that however and an unknown number (very low) the year before that.

I adore horror films. Bloody and slashery. One day I am going to get my most recent ex-boyfriend to watch both Amityvilles, the original and remake.

I do not recall watching any Psychological horror films as a child as they make me too nervous. Hell, when I was little the animated version of Cinderella made me so nervous I wanted to claw my flesh off. My sister in law declared me"weird" for feeling that way. She now works with emotionally handicapped children. Go public schools!

No, the films I prefer in the horror sense are more along the genre of anything with the words massacre, sorority, psycho cop, slumber party in the title.

The first breast implants I ever saw in their obviousness was Bobbi Benton in The Hospital, I remember my mother explaining to me at 11 years of age that her breasts were fake, as real one do not perch upwards four inches in perfect circles from your chest while you lie on your back. Also, no doctor tells you to take your shirt and bra off so they can get blood from your arm.

I never saw any of the Nightmare on Elm Street films. To this day I have only seen the part of the first one with Johnny Depp getting eaten by the bed. I do however LOVE Killer Tongue which co-stars Robert Englund and I also saw him in Strangland with Dee Snider. Snider's Captain Howdy being a shoutout to The Exorcist.

I know who Orville Ketchum is. I have seen most of the Friday the Thirteenth movies, Dr. Giggles and anything it seems, with Melissa Moore's breasts. Just kidding I am sure I have seen a lot more of other women's breasts hers are just the ones that come to mind.

Warning: let us not get into my fascination with straight to video softcore porn.....

I mean seriously Shannon Tweed and Andrew Stevens are in the pantheon of soft core gods. As are Marilyn Chambers (in her soft core endeavors,) Maria Ford, and that guy who was on an episode of one of those exploitation shows (not Red Shoe Diaries I don't think) whose scrotum I remembered while seeing him on the live action version of The Tick. Larry Poindexter, that is who I am thinking of. Hot Line that's the show! How I miss having cinemax. Bet that is a credit he would prefer to forget.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Love me some Halloween. And loving Halloween and all that comes with it never warped anyone.

Me I was probably warped to begin with.

EDIT: Barbi Benton not Bobbi Benton. Barbi Benton was Hef's girlfriend back in the day. Bobbi Benton is probably a very nice lady whose breasts, if containing implants do not in any way resemble small store-bought flans.

Low-Fat Halloween Candy

2005-10-06T20:17:00.000-05:00

On an outing to a new Halloween chain store location I was able to witness the circle of self loathing in its own environment.
First off let us set the scene: A large one room store with short shelves everywhere. standing anywhere allows you to see the entire store with the exception of the "changing room" two small stall like enclosures with black shower curtains covering the front openings. The store gives the distinct impression of "temporary." I believe up to half of the square footage to be blocked off by a false wall.
It is an open floor plan and unless you are under four feet tall everyone can see you.
This did not stop a seventeen year old girl from lifting her top to below her breasts (I can feel your disappointment) and freaking out at her stomach jutting forth a half an inch from her abdomen.
Well to be fair, first she said to her friend "I am too fat for my Halloween costume" to which her friend gave a sort of "are you serious?" response. To which girl#1 replied "yeah it shows skin from here to here." Not sure where she indicated on her body as I was trying to ignore them but seeing as they were speaking while standing less than seven feet from me it was a little hard I can however assure you that seeing as the girl was nude in all the places most of us feel fat it had to be a really revealing costume.
She was wearing either a baby doll tee or midriff top and those low rise jeans. You know the kind that most folks wear a size or two too small causing a bubble of flesh to creep out over them, as opposed to actually buying the size that fits your hips and altering the legs to match. But to her credit her pants were in her size. To give you an idea of her stature and build please think of Mandy Moore.
Then came the following from Girl#1 "Oh my God why does it dip in?!? Oh my God feel!" I turn around to the girls now four to five feet away from me to see one reassuring the other that there is nothing wrong with her stomach that it just does that naturally. Not quite sure where the dip that she referring to was, but it could have been anywhere on her abdomen as her shirt was pulled up at that point. A few moments later I heard the friend make fun of Girl#1 by saying that she had a large enjoyable meal or something of the like and the other girl told her to shut up because apparently she is too fat to eat anything right now.
From the other corner of the store you see a man a woman with their daughter, who is riding in a shopping cart. The man sounds angry.
By this time Girl#1 is upset over the sexiness of the costumes she is looking at "I'm only seventeen I can't wear something that sexy." Or something like that as I am trying to speak to the person I am there with even though I am actually standing closer to the two girls than the person I came in with. So I walk over to talk with my own party when from the corner of my eye I see Girl#1 and friend have found costumes to try on. "This one is so pretty!" says Girl#1. Or maybe she said "beautiful." All I know is they were starting to annoy me. "It's a plus size costume though" says one of the two I am farther away by now and can‘t tell them apart. This does not deter Girl#1 and off into the fitting rooms they go.
At this point I am whispering about the girls' behavior to the person I was there with. I had regarded the girls with amusement and annoyance at first, then I started to wonder how does someone get to the point that they lift their shirt in front of a stranger and declare themselves "too fat?" It was then that the man his wife (or girlfriend) and their child came over toward the dressing room.
Father: (Late 20s to very early 30's; Angry and annoyed with the kind of nastiness in his tone usually reserved for threats of poisoning the neighbor's dog) "Cant you do something about her face I mean my God look at it! Don't you have something to wipe it off with?"
I turn back to my party and continue my conversation with her when the happy couple get closer.
Father: (Still angry and annoyed just as nasty) Jesus Christ! What about her breath?! It's awful!
Mother (Around the same age as the father; Simmering annoyance and anger not quite to the surface) What do you expect? She had a cookie.
Child (Female; Around age three or four and certainly old enough to be able to tell that Dad is angry and it is apparently about her) Cookie!
They stand by the dressing rooms as if to wait I tell them there are two girls in there, they turn to me smile and say that they know that.
Perhaps they were all there together, perhaps they were related, perhaps Girl#1 had a father like the mad dad in the store, perhaps the mad dad had a mother like Girl#1, maybe the little girl with the cookie would turn out somewhat normal, like the friend of Girl#1.
In any case the last thing I heard from Girl#1 before I went to the other side of the store was her complaint that the plus size costume was too big to fit her.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK # 3 August 21-27

2005-08-22T17:50:00.000-05:00

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK
What I want to do this week: Clean house.
What I will likely end up doing instead: Give up half an hour in and continue living in a dust colony settled between mountains of dirty clothes.
Last week’s actual result: The dental bill was fine. I did however get a dental hygienist who was a little too much into “spin art” as a child. She over loaded the polish and grit onto the spinner head thing and let it fly. I had polish on my eyelid, in my hair (on the opposite side of my head from where she worked) and flung across my hands which were clasped at my waist.

Censorship...Sort Of

2005-07-26T17:08:00.000-05:00

In the section of our paper that contains funnies a small item read something similar to what follows:
"Due to language we will not run Doonesbury today or Wednesday. We will run a strip titled 'Brevity.' Tell us what you think of it."
Then upon opening the paper to see "Brevity" it was discovered that nobody informed the comics page editor. Doonesbury was there, "turd blossom" and all. Credit does go to Doonesbury cartoonist Garry Trudeau , I can actually hear in my mind Dubya using the term "turd blossom."
http://www.doonesbury.com/

My Tassen Runneth Over

2005-07-25T00:21:00.000-05:00

I don't know, but I think I might be learning German. I was on a German collectibles shopping site the other day when I saw a listing for "tassen," I thought to myself "oh, cups!" Then I wondered "how could I know that? It might be something to do with tassies" (little pie things...yum.) But no, I clicked on it and it was cups and glasses. For a moment I felt like I had just discovered I had a superpower.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK #2 July 24-30

2005-07-25T00:18:00.000-05:00

What I want to do this week Have a routine dental cleaning.
What I will likely end up doing instead: Learn that the pain only comes after you get the bill.
Last week’s actual result: I figured it would not be worth it to roll around on couple of ones, a twenty and a ten. so I did not bother.

Dollar Store

2005-07-16T02:09:00.000-05:00

WARNING. The following mentions generic 11 1/2 inch fashion doll size marital aids.
We have a new dollar store. It just opened up two miles down the road. This is no Dollar General, no Dollar Tree, no mere 99cents store. This is a genuine, Middle Eastern staffed (I don’t know if they run it), Korean goods stocked dollar store.

A magical wonderland of crap I want but don’t need. And just about everything has either Engrish or a super cute Korean character on it.

I am pacing myself to start. I bought only a package of small polyurethane? silicone? ponytail holders. If you are familiar with Barbie dolls and the like perhaps you are familiar with those clear stretchy (but not too stretchy) bands that hold things in her hand like pocketbooks, microphones and Barbie size rabbit vibrators. What? She does not have Ken around anymore and he didn’t have the right equipment anyway. So like I said I got some of those stretchy bands. I saw a bag of them at the drug store the day before for $2.99 a bag. for what they are I’d sooner spend the dollar at the cheap store.

I am trying not to revert back to my 11 year old self . getting five bucks and spending it all at the dollar store in the mall, buying things like tacky earrings (that I would wear to this day if my earring holes had not grown over) and clear plastic bears filled with neon colored slime. Who needed a college fund? Not me, I had bear slime.

Also today marks the second day in a row I saw eyebrow razors for sale. Used to be you could only get them in the Vermont Country Store Catalog.

Smoked Food

2005-07-16T02:06:00.000-05:00

Eating in any establishment in which smoking is allowed is hard for me and I have eaten at a LOT more restaurants since the smoking ban in Florida was made law. It does coincide with me having the means to eat out at restaurants though.

On a recent vacation to the South, technically for me Northeast but for most everybody else South, I discovered that in some places if you DON’T smoke you are a minority. The “non-smoking” section is housed in what was formerly the “colored” section (sarcasm - please do not take that literally.) They had to open the door to it and turn on the light for us in the non-smoking section. The non-smoking section had more smoke in it that the smoking section due to the fact there was no ventilation and the waitresses smoked near it in between orders. This was small town Mississippi.

The other major restaurant smoking problem besides the above was at Arnaud’s Remoulaude. In addition to stuffed crabs that held a delicious (if way too spicy for my personal taste) filling abundantly mixed with pieces of shell the size of my pinky nail, there was a woman at the table next to us smoking. I do not know if you have had the pleasure of eating Cajun food next to a smoking septuagenarian, but no, is isn’t at all like having your trachea burned through with a car’s cigarette lighter. It is more like putting something that is on fire down your throat. If it were not for the fact that someone had me obviously targeted for a mugging before I came in I would have probably taken my chances outside. This was New Orleans, Louisiana.

That being said, I voted against the restaurant smoking ban. I do not think proprietors should be forced to disallow smoking. I think they should disallow smoking because they want to and as a survival of the fittest measure: If you have wonderful food and a smoke filled atmosphere guess what? I am not going into your restaurant and I if I ever bother ordering food there it will be a take away order and I will let you know exactly what I am doing and why I am doing it.

“We’ve never had any complaints about smoking”- Some idiot in the local paper. The reason no one complained is because they were not there to complain. Personally I would rather be served in the parking lot than in a smoke filled restaurant. Please note that I said smoke filled, not ‘some guy on the patio smoking’ not ‘a well ventilated smoking area on the other side of the building with an ozone machine going,’ but a Pea souper that would make a Londoner homesick, a cloud of death vapors, the lingering stench of cancer haze.

I’d rather vote with my money on the restaurant smoking thing it makes me feel more vindictive and more like I am having an impact. Trust me, restaurants rarely make a lot of money, your money matters to them. When the smoke free restaurant down the street makes more than Chez Sarcoma someone might get wise. Besides the sense of smell is so integral to the sense of taste. Why would you ruin your customer’s taste experience? Is your food so bad you have to mask the taste with smell of burnt tobacco?

Make restaurants make the right choices by using your finances as a weapon, not governmental oversight.

50 flavors of stick candy

2005-07-16T02:04:00.000-05:00

The relationship I had with my first boyfriend (not the most recent one) can be summed up in these two conversations.
ME I don’t like using Proctor and Gamble products
HIM They stopped a lot of their animal testing
ME I do not like the way they portray women in their commercials, besides that they don’t pay slotting fees.
HIM That is just a perk for being such a huge company (NOTE: He was/is VERY liberal.)

ME I like Cracker Barrel even though they have problems
HIM Yeah I was telling my mom about the problems they have had with minority customers.
ME I meant the way they treat their gay employees

And I do like the Cracker Barrel. There is hardly a damn thing there I can eat, and the food you get is not as good as it could be, and eating there in any state that does not have clean air laws is a form of torture all to it’s self. Maybe I just like the decor, the interior, the porch and the gift shop.

MY GOAL FOR THE WEEK #1 July 17-23

2005-07-16T02:03:00.000-05:00

What I want to do this week: Roll around naked in money a la Demi Moore in Indecent Proposal

What I will likely end up doing instead: Freak out over the realization there are billions of germs on money. Handle all paper money while wearing gloves; put all coins into a colander and pour peroxide over them.

Like My Heart and Lungs Are Buried Under Wet Sand

2005-07-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

I do just fine when I forget and then some idiot calls a wrong number and rings my phone at midnight. I guess I should take ‘my boyfriend’ off my list of interests huh?

"I tell myself what's done is done
I tell myself don't be a fool
Play the field have a lot of fun
It's easy when you play it cool

I tell myself don't be a chump
Who cares, let him stay away
That's when the phone rings and I jump
And as I grab the phone I pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God
It must be him or I shall die
Or I shall die
Oh hello, hello my dear God
It must be him but it's not him
And then I die

That's when I die

After a while, I'm myself again
I take the pieces off the floor
Put my heart on the shelf again
You'll never hurt me anymore

I'm not a puppet on a string
I'll find somebody else someday
That's when the phone rings, and once again
I start to pray

Let it please be him, oh dear God
It must be him , it must be him
Or I shall die, Or I shall die
Oh hello, hello my dear God
It must be him but it's not him
And then I die
That's when I die"
(Vikki Carr)

http://www.vikkicarr.net/

"Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of
My heart is crushed by a former love
Can you help me find a way to carry on again."
(All American Rejects)

http://www.allamericanrejects.com/home.asp

Amsterdam by Guster, while not illustrative of my current mood, is still a good song and I figure I should include it because sometimes I confuse it with Swing Swing by All American Rejects. (I run the lyrics together in my mind.)

lyrics link here
www.guster.com

Chain Reaction

2005-07-13T23:36:00.000-05:00

To me web surfing works just like my mind.

Start with a basic idea: Hey! I should go through my bookmarks and further explore sites that I have until now just glanced at or simply have not finished with.

Here's a good one to start with. I see she has a links page. Let me check out the clothes. Ooh Baby Phat I have never been on their site before. Man, the ad campaigns have really gotten better. Would I use my child as a model if I were her? Those are neat shoes. I should do a Google search on sexy flats (meaning flat heeled shoes you perverts.) Result: Pin Up Girl clothing (a site I am familiar with.) Hey those are some cool shoes. I would not have anything to wear with them though. Back to here. Now I should check out the artists as I already know about a few of them. Okay I don't think I have heard of ScaryBob. A couple of works remind me of Coop (The Bride of Frankenstein and the green skin on the Earth Mother.) Ooh he has a links page too. So you want to be evil? I wonder what that is.

Well I will tell you what it is - a work of pure GENIUS. Please go there and read it. If it is lost on you please accept my condolences. Maybe you will tell me everyone else in the world has already heard of this site. Well fine then. Be that way.

Go read and come back. Read about evil careers or you won’t get this next part.

Is now an appropriate time for me to admit the fact I have both seen AND enjoyed Battlefield Earth? No? Okay. Um how about if it was only for Kim Coates? Still no? Alright. (Note: the following is an actual example of how my mind works in comparison to web surfing.)

I do like Kim Coates though and I was pleased to see him in it. I really liked him in The Club. Ryan Bollman was in that one too. No wait never mind he wasn‘t. I did see Ryan Bollman in The Granny with Stella Stevens and Shannon Whirry. The only other movies I can remember having seen with Shannon Whirry were that one where she plays twins and is involved with "chasing the dragon" (but not the made for television film Chasing the Dragon starring Markie Post.) and the one where the misogynist kidnapped her and she gets stuck in the dog-sized door through which he fed her. Oh like your entertainment choices are so much more enlightened.

Anyway, back to Battlefield Earth. Barry Pepper kept giving me a "Now I KNOW I know who that guy is" feeling, even though I had never seen him in anything else before except Saving Private Ryan.

And why wouldn't overgrown amusement parks and miniature golf courses scare and bewilder us if we did not know how they got there? There is a hell of a lot of real estate development that scares me and I watched it being built.

(RANT)
The future world of Battlefield Earth is what happens when we stop telling stories about where we came from and what we have achieved.
(/RANT)

For further information Shannon Whirry was the hot breastfeeding mom in Me, Myself and Irene. You know the one.

The Florida Thrush

2005-07-12T01:46:00.000-05:00

Frances Langford has died.

Obituary here. I find something wrong in that the article hits so many of the high points in her life and ends with "She had no children" as though having children would have made her life more worthy or complete. Then again, I think I am projecting.

Very good Frances Langford fansite The Jungle Air Force of WWII

I remember an interview with her where she described life on the USO tour. She would use a hairbrush to apply (maybe powdered or dry?) bleach to her hair by brushing it in and letting it dry. This was probably because they had little access to water.

Experiences are the Food of the Muses

2005-07-11T02:23:00.000-05:00

Experiences are the Food of the Muses. I wrote that and I like it. It is appropriate and timely and everything else it needs to be. Maybe I would not have come up with that if I were not in an emotional zen/zombie state right now.

A friend of mine told me of his (failed) attempts to fight off his muse while he was in a time of deep distress and worry. I myself remember wholly inappropriate feelings while almost drowning. Most people would concentrate on not dying or getting rescued but I imagined how the overhead shot of my drowning would look in the movie of my life story and what music would play in the background. I wonder sometimes of what I percieve as reality, and that is all I will write about that.

Disclaimer: When you write something it will inevitably mean something different to everybody who reads it. The following songs lyrics were not necessarily written with the connonation I attach to them at this time. But they suit me just fine now as they are what come to mind.

I could just pretend that you love me
the night would lose all sense of fear
but why do I need you to love me
when you can't hold what I hold dear

I almost ran over an angel
he had a nice big fat cigar
"in a sense" he said "you're alone here
so if you jump
you best jump far"
(Tori Amos)
-----------
I hear you just got married
Had a month long honeymoon
And you were all smiles at the wedding
And you cried when you kissed the groom

I got no invitation
I guess the mailman didn't bring it to me
But I see the whole thing in slow motion
Every night as I try to sleep

My buddy John said you looked real pretty
And you acted like you were in love
He said the preacher asked for objections
And he tought about standing up

I told John he must've been crazy'
Cause you were just about to say I do
He just gave me a wink and said all he could think
Is it could've been me with you

It could have been me standing there with you
It could have been me and my dreams coming true
But those dreams move on if you wait too long
It took me till now to see it could have been me

I don't guess I ever told you
That I went out and bought you a ring
I even carried it around in my pocket
Waiting to say the right thing
I pulled it out the other day
But the diamond had lost it's shine
Well I know how it feels 'cause my eyes grow dim
When I think you could've been mine

It could have been me standing there with you
It could have been me and my dreams coming true
But those dreams move on if you wait too long
It took me till now to see it could have been me

Oh I called her just in time to be too late
You know those dreams move on if you wait too long
It took me till now to see (it could've been me)
It could have been me standing there with you
It could have been me and my dreams coming true
But those dreams move on if you wait too long
It took me till now to see it could have been me
It could have been me...
(Billy Ray Cyrus)
------------
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You just might find
You get what you need
(The Rolling Stones)

-As I get older I find that I understand and appreciate Little Earthquakes more and more with each listening. It makes me cry. It makes me angry. It makes me think. It inspires me as an artist in terms of her passion, commitment to ideals and the age at which she broke through to the mainstream- However I still am a fan of Meat Loaf and I do believe the audience owes you nothing but their attention and civility. I do understand wanting your fans to do something for you in terms of activism though. But perhaps she meant the better the audience the better the show, which is true. A mediocre to standoffish audience will get a good show but an open, involved and attentive audience will get a great show. I am getting way off topic here.

Billy Ray Cyrus lyrics from here. Not a big fan of "cowboy" music but I do like Billy Ray.

Tori Amos lyrics from here. This seems like a very well done site on survivors of rape and sexual abuse. I am not a rape survivor but I have known a few. I imagine there are others I have known who did not disclose this. I encourage everyone to help prevent these violent acts against men and women.

And Emily Dickenson was one of those people talented and sensitive enough to not need a lot of "outside influences" to create. I am not saying having a full or happy or emotional or tragic or short life is essential to the creative process. But it might help. Some people are sad or happy enough without any help from anything - they simply cannot help it.

Cornstarch: No Longer Just For Heat Rashes

2005-07-06T03:27:00.000-05:00

I am rather pleased with myself. I have combated the dreaded greasy feeling I get after applying sunscreen, even if it is oil-free. I did this through an ingenious “breading” method. Much like the method of breading a chicken for frying, you first coat yourself in sun block (wait 15 minutes for total absorption) and then dust yourself in cornstarch.

Yes, cornstarch.

Don’t laugh, talc is a carcinogen (click here - scroll to Talc) and cornstarch is a recommended substitute.

In fact the “mineral veil” sold by Bare Minerals is really just cornstarch mixed with a few other ingredients. $19 for half an ounce.

You know Bare Minerals. Their infomercial is on a lot. The first time I saw the woman who heads up the company I thought to myself “so that’s what Melanie Hutsell has been up to.*”

The only downside is the pure whiteness it puts on your skin. The intensity seemed to tone down after a few minutes. I find pale skin attractive on me. When I say pale, I mean really pale. Think Christina Ricci after donating blood. However the whiteness of putting pure white powder on your face will leave others seriously asking if your red blood cell count is normal. In fact, after donating blood for the first time and almost passing out because I did not realize you need to eat a couple of hours ahead of time and not five hours before, The phlebotomist said to my Mother/designated post blood donation driver “I know she is fair skinned but is she always this pale?” My Mother’s answer “yeah, she looks about as white as usual.”

I will probably take the plunge and actually buy a mineral make up at some point. It probably will not be Bare Minerals, even though the Bare Minerals infomercial introduced me to the concept. There are other less expensive companies out there. Of course, I could always make my own.

* Next to Eve Plumb, Melanie Hutsell is my favorite Jan Brady

Riding Along in a Hypothetical Automobile

2005-07-06T03:12:00.000-05:00

I have decided my criteria for a vehicle are as follows:
1 drivable (meaning it works in practice not just theory)
2 air conditioned (I live in Central Florida)
3 diesel (I have high hopes of brewing my own biodiesel)
4 under $5,000 (I am poor)

I have resigned myself to the fact that any car that meets these standards will either be as old or older than I am. They will not have impressive names like “Jaguar”, “Mustang” or “Persephone” but something more timid like “Rabbit”, “Golf” (pre-TDI engine) or “please take it off my lot because I get a fine for each day this eyesore stays on my property.”

This also poses a dilemma for me because if I get a crap looking car of which I will undoubtedly be the last owner you can believe I am gonna customize that thing to within an inch of my life. I mean colors and such, not decorative sculpture or replacing the frame. And I won’t be using a professional just me, myself, paint and glue.

The trouble comes in when all that meets my needs is either a Volkswagen or a Mercedes. I want a car covered in sunflowers and filled with plush hamsters or a swirl of paint not seen since the Electric Mayhem gave Fozzie’s Studebaker the incognito treatment.

I simply could not do that to a Mercedes, no matter how old.

VWs on the other hand are just begging for their angular late 1970s looks to be given a Dr. Seussian style makeover of stripes and color.

And I am fully aware that if I had one of those VW Bug cars it would be the most obnoxious thing on the road. Street legal but obnoxious. My mind flashes to that scene in Johnny Dangerously where the getaway car is covered in duckie shelf paper. Hmm duckies.....

We have a guy in the area who drives a vintage cop car redone to look like an alien task force vehicle. It looks cool, but I am sure he gets some weird folks following him home.

There are of course a few other customized cars in the county. You see them from time to time and some of them really catch your eye. For instance I saw a kick-ass green Mustang convertible with really nice aftermarket hubcaps. They were nice hubcaps; they went with the car and they did not spin or resemble a carnival ride in any way.

Links
Whip It! and Other Delights
Extremo’s art car with fountain (note: this site is not for the coulrophobic)
Art Cars
To impress my beau
The new (and out of my budget) VW Golf
Biodiesel Warehouse
Biodiesel Now

I Have A New Hero

2005-07-02T02:53:00.000-05:00

Okay maybe “hero” is a bit much. But you just have to admire what it takes to have a site like this. I had actually stumbled onto her Hefty Hideaway site several months ago. It is no longer there.

I am not sure how, but like a miracle, I found Leslie Hall and her enchanted collection of colorific gem sweaters.

Much has been made as to the validity of her devotion to the sweaters. Does she really like them as much as she claims or is it all a big joke on people who devote themselves to pedestrian collections like gem sweaters or water globes? Is it performance art? Is she having one over on us?

In my opinion the truth, as always, lies somewhere in between.

But hear this good people, your very own Cake Buzzard has a gem sweater of her own:
Bought circa 1993 my gem sweater is not the sort you see Ms. Hall wearing. Mine is black and has three-quarter length sleeves and is off the shoulder. the front of the fold features large clear rhinestones and (now tarnished) gold tone metal studs. I bought it at K-Mart and have worn it a grand total of four times at the most. One of the reasons being I had no strapless bra to wear with it, so it looked weird covering my bra straps.
Now, thanks to Leslie Hall I have the courage to bust that sucker out and wear it, with a strapless bra of course. However, I could NEVER pull off the gold leggings look. Never.

Webcomics I Read

2005-07-02T02:43:00.000-05:00

I suspect my boyfriend’s suggestion “you should write a blog entry about your feelings for Foxtrot” was a clever trap.

That being said I do read web comics. I read them for fun. My boyfriend reads only comics featured online because he does not want the commitment of subscribing to a newspaper.

I don’t do daily reading (well I do read 2 sites daily) I do however read many sites on a weekly or biweekly basis. Sometimes I catch up on web comics every three weeks. To illustrate the point I am not selective in my procrastination, I let the newspaper pile up for days at a time before I finally get around to reading syndicated comics.

These are the comics I read online, in alphabetical order
ANGRY LITTLE GIRLS by Lela Lee
description from site “a weekly comic strip about girls who are disenchanted, crazy, gloomy, fresh and all around angry.”

CLOSETSPACE by Jenn Dolari
description from site “The story of a boy who thought he could be a woman so well, he moved in with one. And the chaos that followed.”

FROM THEN ON FORTH by Elizabeth Traub
description from site “It is a web comic about a boy who is transgendered. This story is how he transitioned and handled the hardships of life. In the beginning this boy is known as Seth and through the transition will be known as Rachel later on.”

A HERD OF LAUGHTER by Wooket
It is cute and punny and features barnyard creatures. I have a lighter that features one of the cartoons but my boyfriend broke the dang thing. grrr.

MISFILE by Chris Hazelton
I found this one through From Then on Forth. A more recent read, That is I started reading it after all these others with perhaps the exception of Venus Ascending.
Basically an angel smokes pot misfiles two teenager’s lives turning one into a girl and making the other a couple years younger than she was before. But way more entertaining than that.

VENUS ASCENDING by S. Belmar
Science fiction spin-off strip using the characters from Venus Envy.

VENUS ENVY by Erin Lindsey
The first web comic I started reading and got into.
A lovely little strip about Zoe a young transgendered woman and her life with her family and friends. Features a chicken for a science teacher and the occasional spider demon.

My newest discovery through snortum.net (which links a few different comics that I have been checking out) is Digger by Ursula Verdon. Upon laying eyes on the wombat heroine I thought to myself “how familiar that wombat looks.” A quick google of the artist and I found it is a fantasy artist I am familiar with. I so very enjoyed her art site and its commentary that I knew I would probably love the comic as well. I finished the last of the archives tonight and I can honestly say I am hooked.

DIGGER by Ursula Verdon
description from site “Wombats! Dead gods! Oracular slugs! Liver jokes! Who could ask for more?”

I am not including (in this entry at least) the comics that check up on every few months.

No Lithium for Lestat

2005-07-02T02:41:00.000-05:00

In all the hoopla over Tom Cruise saying we are overmedicated as a society most people seem to be saying “Hey! shut up Tom Cruise! what do you know?“ As opposed to “Hey! even Tom Cruise gets it!”

Ruben Navarrette has a good op-ed on this

Im a gud spellr

2005-07-02T02:39:00.000-05:00

I applied for a job on Monday. The woman asked me what position I would prefer. I said “cashier.” She wrote it down, and misspelled it.
Hey, I’m already one up on the interviewers. Go me!

Comics Page Overhaul

2005-06-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I read each of these comic strips daily for the most part. I find them amusing, some more often than others. I have probably clipped a cartoon from each one of these strips at one point or another because they were so very amusing or timely. What I wish on the characters are only a fantasy. I use this fantasy when the strip annoys me.

Second disclaimer: Teenagers REALLY annoy me so that may be why I get so bothered with at least two of the strips.

If I had my way, the following would happen to the following comic strip characters. But only on the days that they annoy me.

1 MOMMA (Mel Lazarus) Momma dies and her kids really do realize that they cannot live without her. Misery and pennilessness ensues.

2 FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE (Lynn Johnston) That bitchy friend of April’s gets knocked up and almost bleeds to death from a back alley abortion.

What? I said almost.

3 B.C. (Johnny Hart) You know that disclaimer about finding these strips funny most of the time? That does not apply to B.C. At least, not any more. I think the super heavy handed religious diatribe was pushed over the edge of my tolerance level when one of the characters told the fat chick to lose weight by throwing up by taking Ipecac syrup. (This link explains what ipecac syrup is, I do not necessarily endorse the treatment center.)

I get second opinions to make sure that they are in fact not entertaining and not that I just don’t get it.

My fantasy for B.C. involves Raelians on religious days and on anti fat chick days it involves the fat chick getting topless, discovering corsetry, reconciling with the snakes and moving to Crete to become the Cretan Snake Goddess. (specific image)

4 CATHY (Cathy Guisewite) “She’s like me in drag” -Richard Lewis

After the untimely death of her parents Cathy goes to Central America for some soul searching taking along her new husband Irving. While they are combing the uncharted forest for a suitable golf course, Cathy is kidnapped and taken into the midst of political freedom fighters. Cathy discovers there are others with plights worse than her own. Cathy also discovers that, to some Latin men, big is sexy. She joins them, has her way with many virile men and actually does some good in the world. She then is killed while attacking a corrupt government and is given a martyr’s funeral. Irving is heartbroken and continues spoiling their dogs.

5 ZITS (Jerry Scott and Jim Borgman) Jeremy gets a dose of reality that hits him like a ton of bricks. He realizes he is the source of his parents anger, aging and bitterness. He realizes he has it better than almost everyone on the planet. He realizes life is what you make of it and it can end at anytime. In short : He grows up. He then gets a teenager of his own.

6 FOXTROT (Bill Amend) The father develops a gambling habit and loses the family finances, the mother has to supplement the family income by working in a meat factory she dies in a horrible grinding accident. The father then pimps out the daughter to pay debts while the eldest son runs away and starts doing gay porn. The youngest becomes addicted to various substances and ODs in the park.

You cannot imagine my glee when a couple of weeks ago the father started playing online poker.

7 THE FAMILY CIRCUS (Bil Keane) is perfect as is. You cannot imagine my relief when I discovered that other people wrote dirty subtitles for the ultra innocent comic panels. Of course even though what I came up with at age 12 was not as bad as what filthy minded adults come up with, it is still nice to know that I am not (that much of) a freak.

WW(anyone)D?

2005-06-24T12:47:00.000-05:00

There is a growing faction of people, men mostly, asking themselves the question:
What would John Wayne do?

I hope this is only in response to the less and less "masculine" roles for men in society. I hope this is not the lamest excuse for a war I ever heard. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the war in Iraq you have to admit that anyone who says we are there because it is something John Wayne would do is seriously needing some additional reasons. I also hope this is not an anti-Christian backlash as most of us imagine Jesus did not act like John Wayne.

For the most part John Wayne had morals and character in his films. They are what seperated him from the bad guys in the films. He drank and could be as violent as they were.

People also seem to lose the acknowledgement that he was an actor and in his personal life he may have been a rather different person. He did have a job that required him to wear makeup

People also forget that in the time John Wayne's films took place just like the time they were filmed there was a great variety of men in the world. It does a great disservice to men to categorize them merely as a John Wayne type or Non-John Wayne type.

there were even what you would call "metrosexuals" in films at that time. They were men like Cary Grant and Douglas Fairbanks Sr. Not mincing but stylish. They wore cologne and knew who made their suits

The WWJWD trend is no different than the WWJD trend. Or for that matter the WWJJD - What Would Joan Jett Do, WWYD - What Would Yoda Do and WWSMD - What Would Steve McQueen Do.

I am more apt to go with the WWKD - What Would King Do from the film 'Ready to Rumble.' I'll tell you what he'd do: He would RULE YOU.

Lose Weight and be Unappetizing

2005-06-21T16:28:00.000-05:00

A San Francisco heath club billboard says when the aliens come they will eat the fat ones first. Clever, no? A lot of fat people got mad at this sign and protested (as is their right.) But here is my argument:

Which is better - the certain (fat people being eaten) or the uncertain (what they plan to do with thin people)

If aliens came from space and decided the more corpulent among us would be tasty what is to stop them from eating thin people? Their thinness? Thinness will not protect you when the aliens come, my friend. If the aliens decide that they want to eat you, they are going to eat you.

This begs the question - what to do with thin people? The best guess I have is feeding pens. Fatten them skinnies up as the fatties have been devoured. This is done fastest with veal calf methods. I doubt their will be free range humans. Of course, the herd method is good too; but with all those people together in one place there will be an atmosphere ripe for rebellion. This is why our alien masters will probably shoot us up with some sort of memory removing drug. Or better yet, perform the more permanent solution: lobotomy.

One can image these thin, young, brain impaired people in a mindless herd. We already know what they look like. Studio 54 may actually set an example to the aliens as to how to control us.

Perhaps I am cynical, maybe the aliens don’t want the thin ones for food but rather something just as useful to some societies: slave labor. The skinnies would be good at that until they many of them start dropping dead because the aliens fail to realize that they are just as out of shape as a lot of the fatties. No, being a “raw foodie” is not enough to keep your muscles working. Exercise does that. Health club advertising has made you believe that just because you are thin you are healthy.

The aliens may want thin people simply as pets or for their children so they can compete in FAO (Future Alien Overlord) events at alien county and state fairs. Oddly enough as pets the aliens would feed you a specially designed “human chow” that with its balance of vitamins, minerals, proteins, fats and carbohydrates would actually be better for you than anything you ate on Earth. And do not underestimate the amount of exercise you’d get in that human wheel.

Perhaps humans make good leather, Maybe the aliens have no more trees and need something else to print their magazines on. They could start with people who write opinion pieces (as we want to eventually get into print.)

Have you have sculpted your body into a magnificent example of muscularity or plastic surgeried yourself into an almost comical example of beauty? This fact may not be lost on the aliens and they may honor your sacrifice and or compulsion by anally electrocuting you and having you stuffed and mounted to sit in an alien museum. “And here we see man who was brought down by vanity”

Did you ever stop to think that the aliens are dying and need to harvest our organs? Wouldn’t saving an alien child be worth giving up your liver or heart?

Of course the aliens will have to deal with radical alien groups like AETH (Aliens for the Ethical Treatment of Humans) and the HLF (Human Liberation League.) Who will employ shock methods that make other aliens see them as insane, instead of helping to reform the way humans are treated.

I imagine the aliens would have some sense of fun. They would probably market no-carb dieters the same way humans market those rubbery sponge figures that grow in water. Instant fun! Atkins man - just add carbs and watch him expand to three times his normal size! For aliens of all ages.

Hey, if you get eaten you get eaten, if you don’t you may have to spend the rest of your life away from family and friends in a petting zoo with someone who thinks things that end in “tini” are a food group.

One final memo to the health club in San Francisco. Fat people and well, people in general like going to gyms where they feel welcome not ridiculed. All this being said I find the billboard amusing. However I am one of those people who knows two of the biggest rip offs in the world are renting to own and gym memberships.

Moral Stars - oxymoron?

2005-06-21T16:22:00.000-05:00

People are sick of the bad role models Hollywood stars make. They want no more Christian Slater, Winona Ryder or Hugh Grant type behavior.

Christian Slater allegedly groped a woman, Johnny Weissmuller was known to expose himself to female co-stars.
Winona Ryder shoplifted, so did Hedy Lamarr.
Hugh Grant was caught with a prostitute, Clark Gable frequented them.

People want stars with morals and ethics. Stars like we had in the "golden age” of cinema. Good, decent folks like Charlie Chaplin, Joan Crawford and Errol Flynn.

Clearly the public prefers classic stars who did the exact same things the stars of today do only without the publicity. In the old days the first person on the scene was a studio representative who would destroy any suicide notes that could implicate and clean up any signs of foul play.

*We want stars who poison their wives to make them miscarry. We want stars who seduce underage girls. We want stars who have cunnilingus performed on them in restaurants.* But only if they made films before 1960.

Robert Mitchum was caught with marijuana. Fairbanks had Pickford as “the other woman” before he divorced. Spencer Tracy was arrested for being drunk and disorderly in a hotel. Claudette Colbert’s fiancee smashed a photographer’s camera when they were hounded by the press.

Basically everything a star does has been done before. It has all been done before. Nobody needs Paris Hilton when you have Tallulah Bankhead.

*(NOTES) Gloria Swanson alleged the poison incident occurred while she was married to Wallace Beery. Charlie Chaplin was taken to court over his penchant for underage girls. According to James Bacon, Anatole Litvak performed cunnilingus on Paulette Goddard under the table of a popular restaurant.

Wedding Dress Blues

2005-06-20T04:43:00.000-05:00

I read the CIA chief has an "excellent" idea where Osama Bin Laden is hiding. Gee, I hope nobody tells Osama.

Peter Goss also says the CIA will not capture Osama Bin Laden until weak links in counter terrorism are strengthened. Go ahead and strengthen them within reason, but for the love of God don't tell everyone you won't capture him until you do.

To me this makes as much sense as telling your family you are putting off getting married until you lose fifteen pounds. It means your jealous cousin who wants Grandpa's frequent flyer miles to go toward her honeymoon will continually try to feed you cheesecake.

Star Wars

2005-06-15T04:24:00.000-05:00

Here is my Star Wars review. It contains SPOILERS

Okay, you have been warned.

I enjoyed it.

Natalie Portman was really over-dressed for sleep in one scene; The bluescreen blocking was excellent in places; I would not have even noticed Bai Ling if I were not looking for her; those were some neat mood lamps Anakin and Padme had in their apartment.

That was an interesting timeline on the pregnancy. Then again did anyone ever say they were human? They do come from another galaxy for goodness sake! All that planetary travel has to due a number on your menstrual cycles. If you landed someplace with two or more moons your reproductive system would probably get twisted all around. I figure she was just hiding her pregnancy for the first few months under her voluminous gowns.

Chances are if you really wanted to see it you would have already seen it. However, the above thoughts are all you are going to get out of me at present seeing as I got to witness the profound disappointment of my boyfriend's brother after he saw the film. He apparantly had been under the impression that George Lucas would be supplementing his existing talent by channeling Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg, George Cukor, Francis Ford Coppola, Sidney Lumet, Jane Campion, Mike Nichols, Preston Sturges, Victor Fleming, Alfred Hitchcock, John Ford, Ida Lupino, Frank Capra and Cecil B. Demille.

Did I mention he was disappointed?

I of course left the theater covered in writing as it is my penchant to take notes during movies and resorting to writing on myself when paper is not available. But trust me not one person stared.

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam

2005-06-11T21:41:00.000-05:00

I hate e-mail spam. However I have to admire the creative subject line of one I got today.
(from) Herbal Viagra (subject) Spruce your Goose.
Almost makes you want to read it

Candy Candy Candy Candy Candy

2005-06-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

Thank God for Wal-Mart, I just discovered last night that they sell candy corn made without gelatin. I can eat candy corn again YAY!

Please Consider

2005-06-11T21:33:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of mine recently lost his grandson to cancer. The boy was Thirteen years old.

I myself, having had a biopsy last week that came in negative, had to wonder why some are so fortunate and others aren't. I guess it is just that - luck.

I would like to remind everyone to give blood as it is desperately needed by patients such as this child. I plan to donate as soon as the open wound from my biopsy has healed and I am going to go ahead, conquer my fear and put my name on the bone marrow donor list.

Simple Banking Tips

2005-06-11T20:39:00.000-05:00

Simple Banking Tips or why people who are not good with the public should not work with the public. Contains naughty language. Please blame Canada.

Today I learned you are supposed to treat bank workers as enemies or evil cyborgs by not revealing humour, emotion or facts unless asked specifically for them. And you are supposed to act stupid. Name, rank and serial number.

I got turned down for a checking account today. I guess I should not have told FDIC (Felicia da irritable cunt) that A. I quit my job, for she took this with the confusion of a child trying to understand why God took their puppy and B. My Father was scared shitless they would stop payment and that the company's payroll was shady not true but I wanted to give her a valid reason for quitting other than "they were stealing my happiness and will to live."

Little hint: don't do this, even if you are doing it somewhat joking and pleadingly, I said it in the context that my Father is sick and makes his own stress - please help alleviate his tension levels by cashing these checks. Even though the reason I even endorse checks as quickly as I do is not necessarily only for the money but, in fact, also out of fear whoever wrote it will stop payment. That even applies somewhat to personal checks. Hell, my Mother used to do it for the same reason. Everytime someone gave her a check she inevitably said to me "I have to cash this before they will stop payment on it." She cashes them now for the money as her priorities have changed. FDIC doesn't know this, she thinks my saying that the company was shady was gospel truth and not one of my personality quirks (trying to please her by giving as many answers to her questions as I could no matter how weak.) She also treated me at that point like I had a "fuck the U.S." t-shirt, and lit fuse coming from my shoe.

Whatever I did (and I admit it was my fault) she had an attitude when we came in (God another fucking customer?! Don’t these people have anything better to do than bug me at work?) She openly treated me and my Mother with derision the moment we sat down. From "Hello, I am Felicia" it all went down hill. "Do you want our standard checking? da da rates, da da checking fees" asked in a tone of voice reminiscent of a Baskin Robbins employee who has to name off the flavor list for a daycare class full of four year olds, one by one. She did not even smile ONCE after "hello my name is Felicia." Maybe she is one of those people who cannot differentiate human emotions. Maybe that is why she became a banker as money has no emotions to deal with.

I realize I raised many a red flag even though I was there with my mother who has had an account there for at least a decade. However these were said after annoyed noises came from her mouth and she declared that a social security card was not a valid second ID and that I should have something better like an FPL (Florida Power and Light) bill. Because it's like Miracle on 34th Street where Santa Claus was not considered to be Santa Claus by the court until it was proven he had mail delivered to him under the name "Santa Claus". She ascertained my ID was expired after telling me she was going to hold my checks for 11 days until they cleared. However I may have already let loose with the stop payment stuff. I was genuinely surprised seeing as I had been endorsing checks for the past six months and nobody had said anything about an expired ID. I was also hired with an expired ID. "We're a bank we have stricter standards" she said "Only in customers and not employees" I thought. I guess I should have told her that I have in the past actually endorsed checks to my mother at that very bank WITHOUT ANY ID. Something tells me the mouse in the maze that is her brain only goes one way and would not comprehend this anyway.

She refused to let me endorse the check to my mother even though I could have probably went through their drive through at that moment and had it endorsed to my mother and cashed anyway. If my ID were valid I then could have brought that money back into the bank plopped it down and put it into an account. It makes just that much sense. No, really it does.

In the end my mother has decided to take the steps to transfer her account away from them and when she does I imagine a bank document or notarized letter will tell them and their company about the attitude of little miss FDIC who, it has been revealed to me acts like that to EVERYONE, red flags or not. I hope she either works on commission or was annoyed to death with us because that would have made it worth all the while. (^_^)

I for one, can't wait for a car so I can drive around with one of their bumper stickers that reads "(name withheld) bank (heart)'s me" altered to read "(name withheld) bank F'd Me." Maybe the fact people write anti (name withheld) bank propaganda on the banks drive through consoles should tell me something.

Even though this episode was entirely my own doing, I still don't want to deal with a bank that has employees such as her. I may be in the wrong, but you still need some empathy. Bitch.

And now comes the part where I console myself with the thought of her having nightmares about grubby, unwashed backwoodsmen probing her ears with their filthy fingers and penises. (~contented sigh~)

By the way, I went to the bank a quarter of a mile down the road and cashed the checks. God knows the woman there actually smiled. If she had turned me down, I would have said "thank you for your time," smiled and walked away wishing her all the best in the world because she had a decent attitude.

Offensive? Magazine Ads

2005-06-08T04:16:00.000-05:00

I read with some amusement and some disgust this site. However you should never let yourself be manipulated

The (pseudo)creative person in me wants to yell YOU JUST DON'T GET IT DO YOU? On a few of these. Sure they are offensive. I find some of them offensive for different reasons than they cite. But by God magazines have every right to print them and you have every right not to buy them and write letters and make an internet site about it and I have every right to say these images are not forced down our throats, really. You don't walk outside or into a store and see them (unless it is a store display, in which case boycott the store.) For the most part they are put in magazines that are obvious about their content. For the most part you won't find these ads in any family magazines.

Image one I think "yikes! What an endorsement." But the person creating the ad had the idea of making a controversial campaign and the point (in my opinion) of the ad is People who wear Dolce and Gabbana really like being the center of attention ( "center" HA! I kill me. Cable Guy Porno password reference)

Image two Maybe it gets you drunk quicker. I don't know. It combines being urbane with drinking and sex. Not a new concept.

Image three I don't like this ad. But I don't consider her a victim of sexual violence. I think she is obviously a starry eyed girl facing the world with the only expensive accessory she can afford an ugly handbag that probably cost more than a months rent. No wonder she is naked.
Perhaps the photographer is portraying her as an homage to Dr. Seuss' star belly sneetches and their comeuppance once the plain bellies got stars. In the resulting revolution everything was taken from her except the handbag she fought the plain bellies off with.

More likely she is supposed to represent some ethereal beauty staring off into space with artistically place arms displaying an object of her worthiness.

Image four They REALLY do not get this one. In my opinion the point of this ad is to show that no matter what other ubertrendy accessory or piece of clothing you buy it will never equal the breathtaking quality of these crappy expensive bags.
The handbags are even covering her vision???? They are representing SUNGLASSES!!! I mean come on people!

Image five The point in this one is that tasty "fatty" foods go right to our hips buttocks stomachs etc. That being said I agree with the site on this one. For another thing it pushes an agenda (of course all ads do) although not too subtly. It preys on our fear of fat.
For the record according to nutritiondata.com

1oz Danish, pastry cheese --calories 106 fat calories 54 total fat 6g (2g saturated) 2g sugar

100g Kellogg's Nutri grain bar, mixed berry-- calories 370 fat calories 68 total fat 8g (1g saturated) 34g sugar

62g Kellogg's Pop tart pastry swirl, cheese danish-- calories 252 fat calories 99 total fat 11g (3g saturated) 12g sugar

105g McDonald's cheese danish calories 400 fat calories 190 total fat 21g (5g saturated) 16g sugar

Where did they find those generic danishes and where can I find them?

If you'll notice the ads up until now did not actually put down anyone else's product but rather merely "glorified" their own. Imagine if fashion companies used these same tactics: Dooney and Bourke - because all other handbags make you fat.

Image 6 What do you see first in this ad? Why, it's the fact she is up against a wall of course. And besides, if she had real brand loyalty she would have it tattooed.

Image 7 yes it is inappropriate and slightly disturbing. But isn't the "and it's written in BLOOD!!" thing a bit over the top?

Image 8 Okay this is a no brainer: The panties feel like they are barely there, so comfortable that she may as well be nude. She feels nude even though the panties are on. If she were wearing a bra she would not feel nude. Unless they have a barely there bra that you feel nude wearing.... I'd want one of those bras. I literally just changed all the "nakeds" to "nudes" lest you read this and go "Naked?Soo you agree she's helpless." And by the way is that Sophie Dahl in the ad? She is really pretty either way.

Image 9 Truly tasteless as the poor woman looks like she is full of candy snot. And there is a pun in there Candy Shot, shot in the head. They are so clever. From the thumbnail I thought it was Eddie Izzard on a really bad day.

Image 10 Umm..Thiss one simply illustrates to me the dichotomy between "healthy" and "thin," besides that it seems to make fun of our own fantasy of such a device. As for how rock stars stay thin? Moby is a vegan and Keith Richards is kept alive with the stuff they use to clean windows. But I'm sure the answer will surprise me.

Image 11 This ad would be better if both of them had the centerfold covering their faces or perhaps a shared thought bubble. Hmmmmm I think I'm gonna write me a letter.

Image 12 here we see a modern version of the Mary Magdalene washes Jesus' feet story. This time, because it is an ad for clothes, he's wearing shoes and she is going to wipe them with her dress hem.
Well, what's your guess? He's beaten her into a submissive state? Bah! That's what you always say.

Image 13 This one is just stupid and besides the woman in the middle is not exactly wearing much more than the lady on the left. What's more all the fashionable brides this season are wearing thigh high boots under their dresses.

I imagine a lot of these ads, the fashion ones at least, were in magazines like Vogue or the more expensive aesthetic magazines like Surface. Vogue is of course a magazine about cutting edge fashion and fashion photography and one would expect to see images such as these as they are visually arresting. I would not wish to see any of these images in magazines like People or tamer fashion magazines like Marie Claire. In the end it is up to the consumer to decide what is right for them and whether or not they wish to buy the magazine or the product advertised. Parents should monitor what their children are reading anyway. I of course, would have a different opinion if these pictures were in a newspaper or on outside advertising (like billboards.)

I don't think any magazines or newspapers should be put next to check out lines as the headlines are almost always offensive to one part of the population or another and children do not need to read about celebrity affairs the latest colon wash techniques or school shootings. Put all publications in the magazine aisle and allow people to choose for themselves whether Jessica Simpson's belly button is really worth displaying on a magazine cover. I realize they are impulse buys but I think all magazines should have those plastic things on them when they are in the checkout lane because people have to go there. They do not have to go to the magazine aisle if they do not want to. However where I live covers with half naked women, Celebrity Blank photographed getting lap dance from Celebrity X, painted up 14 year old popstars, children's games books, luscious desserts recipes and bloody war photojournalism are all displayed the same. Only Cosmo and its ilk that dare to put in writing things like "100 new sex tips" are treated as glossy pariahs hidden behind opaque plastic.

Girls at store part two

2005-06-06T18:55:00.000-05:00

The girls then went on to the next target of their intellectual energy - American Idol. Much chatter from Girl 1 about the recent attempts of certain media outlets trying to create stories affairs between Carrie (the winner) and the other contestants. Only in slightly less concise terms.

Which made me wonder - do they know who Tom DeLay is?

Explanation: My current occupation is conducting opinion surveys. On one particular day I got six participants and a survey about moral views on American politics. It was the first time I had conducted this particular survey. Out of six, only three had heard of Tom DeLay and only two knew enough to form an opinion of him.
Of those two one had a somewhat positive opinion of Bush himself (to paraphrase; "he's doing the best he can in the situation") and either a somewhat positive or somewhat negative view of DeLay. I cannot remember which though my mind leans to 'somewhat negative.'
The other person had a very negative opinion of Bush himself and the jobs he was doing with Iraq, Social Security AND the economy. They did however have a somewhat positive opinion of Tom DeLay. I don't know how that works out exactly but I guess it does to their mind.

Honesty disclosure: I myself was not sure what it was exactly Tom DeLay did all I know is that everytime he puts out a proposal or idea I usually don't agree either with the idea or his tactics and reasons regarding it. I also know about his being brought up on charges. In other words I know enough about him to form an opinion - somewhat negative:)

As my boyfriend pointed out "they might not know who Tom DeLay is but they sure know Bo Rice won American Idol." "Actually" I said "I think it's Bo Bice."
"Whatever, See, there you go." Knowing Bo Bice's name has nudged Tom DeLay's office clear out of my head. Goodness knows what I would have lost if I had actually remembered when he made that comment that the girl had won.

Then again I do not watch American Idol I have better things to do with my time like wondering how often you clip a comatose person's fingernails. Surely it is much more often than a non comatose person as comatose people are not actually doing things with their hands. The only people from American Idol I've ever heard of are Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, Frenchie whose picture I saw once, Clay Aiken, Ruben Stoddard, William Hung, Fantasia whose picture I have seen a couple of times but not enough to place her at all (she has short hair, right?),Vonzelle whom I have never seen, Bo Bice who I would not recognize at al if he did not have the words "Bo Bice" next to every picture I've seen of him, and Carrie who until she won I had never even heard her name. Circumstances for me recognizing her are the same as Bo Bice's. If either cut their hair I'd be lost. Oh and that slightly reptilian looking young man who claimed to have had sex with Paula Abdul. I saw him on Howard Stern's E! show but still I would never recognize him.

This somewhat worries me. Do I view politics the same way I view American Idol? That is peripherally and not directly, only knowing what is going on when a media outlet reports on it after it is over. Nuclear what? Stem cell who? United Nations appointee huh?

Girls at store part one: Opposites Attract

2005-06-06T02:18:00.000-05:00

While in the grocery store this evening the three girls in their late teens to mid-twenties were looking at the magazines in the check out aisle behind me.
Girl 1 I still don't believe he married her (unintelligible) How can someone as hot as him marry someone like her?
Girl 2 I think she's a good actress
Girl 1 (unintelligible annoyed girl noises)
Girl 2 I guess opposites attract
Referring of course to that media bombshell Kenny Chesney marries Renee Zellweger.

Because apparantly it is very shocking for one southern born celebrity to marry another southern born celebrity.
I guess to them it is only slightly less shocking than Valerie Solanas marrying, oh let's just say, Henry Makow.

Playing Dress Up

2005-06-06T01:55:00.000-05:00

This was brought on in part by mother making costumes for a high school production and the girls first attempts to put on the above knee skirts she made. Yes the skirts were designed for use with short square dancing petticoats but they weren't wearing the petticoats at the time. A few had to be instructed as to where their waists actually were. This got me thinking about how people use and define fashion

When it comes to clothes in America there are several scools of thought. Here they are presented with slightly exaggerated viewpoints. In fact extemists in these groups look down on others simply because other people are not as hip/evolved/commited as they are.

In terms of the aesthetic we have the following groups:

ADVISORS Those with concrete "tried and true" rules our grandmother obeyed even though she did not have nylon, Dacron, krylon, klingon or any other "on" you can think of.
You've met these people in their various forms, be it the more old-fashioned "children should never wear black, pinch your cheeks for natural color, all horizontal stripes make you look fat" and their more modern cousins "never leave your home without makeup, women over thirty should never have long hair, it is appropriate to always wear high heels and never without pantyhose." These are the people who get their own TV shows just so they can tell you how awful they think you look and how much better you culd look if only you dressed more like a nighttime soap opera villain.

FASHIONISTAS Those who are so up to date on their fashion that the second a trend is put into any form of media it is over for them. This does not stop at their clothes but also moves into the realm of their diet, entertainment choices, cellular phones, vacations and modes of transportation. Because pink is the new black and orange is the new pink. Funny... I thought Pink was the new Debbie Harry.

In the afterlife all bitchy fashionistas will be given sweatpants, t-shirts and scrunchies. Just so you know.

METROSEXUALS In the strongest cases metrosexuals are male fashionistas. How dare you not know what rich people in milan are wearing.

COMFORT SEEKERS The people who go for comfort and not for style. You may think I mean people with physically demanding jobs like roofer or mother of a two year old who don't have time to change and go to the bank in their work clothes. No I mean people who have no consessions to dress codes and politeness. If a garment is adequate, gets the job(s) done, fits and does not get in the way then it is considered a winner even if it is a "blow me" tank top worn to court. These people wear jeans everywhere: fancy restaurants, funerals etc not because it is the nicest thing they own, but because their comfort comes first.After all, even on Roseanne no one wore the chicken shirt to a wedding. For the record people wore jeans to my grandmother's funeral, however it was held outdoors and the jeans had no holes or wrinkles.

Note people who wear flip flops are not comfort seekers as flip flops are currently trendy.

PEOPLE WITH ISSUES (example- KNEES) A few years ago a person wrote a letter to the editor in our local paper condemning the ugliness of knees. They used the classic cheesecake photo of Betty Grable as an example. They wrote that knees are so unattractive that the reason this photo was so popular during WWII (it was to the 40's what the Farrah Fawcett poster was to the 70's ) was because she faced away from the camera and showed the backs of her knees. Yeah, I am sure that's the reason the picture was so popular. On a side note in Farrah Fawcett's poster she does show her knee. Maybe that's why people bought it.
(example- NAVELS) There is at least one online forum dedicated to the hatred of this necessary and sometimes (in my opinion) irresistible part. Some think we'd be better off without them...... okay. I for one am glad I have mine for I would not be here without it. And as for the gross out over keeping the last bit of umbilical cord that falls off your baby? Get over it. It is the last piece of physical evidence of the mother child connection.

In the 1940s midriffs were okay but belly buttons could not be shown. This was also the case on I Dream of Jeannie.

There are also lots of other people with aversions to plenty of different body parts.

TRIBAL/TRENDY These folks get bit of a pass seeing as the majority of them are teenagers and most have never had the chance to wear really nice well cut clothing. At least until prom and even then sometimes the structuring of the clothes leaves a LOT to be desired. It is more the lack of knowledge how to dress in any "normal" clothes that bugs me personally. For instance pants that actually come to the waistline and skirts that are not worn to reveal a small amount of butt crack (all the better to reveal your tribal tattoo.)
If you are over the age of 17 and have never worn a pair of pants that meet your waist and end around your ankle without bunching or bagging then something is wrong. Unless you are a woman who practices "modest dressing" then hopefully this does not apply to you as you can already wear traditionally fitted skirts and do not necessarily wear pants.

while at the mall with my boyfriend I was passed by two woman in a hurry. Young woman 1: ..and later we'll talk about dressing more professionally. Young woman 2 (same age as woman 1): I am dressed professionally. Young woman 1 whirls around looks at woman 2 lets out an audible sigh and says "flip flops?!"

In terms of the religious/spiritual

MODEST DRESSERS These are the folks that wear head coverings (includes all types) and specific religious garments. This also applies Christians who follow the teachings in Leviticus and Corinthians.

ETHICAL CONSUMERS These people buy cotton, linen, and hemp clothes that are organically grown at fair trade prices. Some also buy silk. But the vegans among them do not. Buttons are made of naturally harvested wood and recycled metal. All this to better live with the planet.

NATURALISTS Those who think the world would be a better place if we could go naked all day. They cook naked, they eat naked, they play naked. This comes from the rejection of worldy items or a belief that clothing is an extension of our classism and our having turned our backs to our primal natures. It can also come from the fact that they really enjoy being naked and want everyone else to be naked too. I remember a comedian once talking about the logistics of reapplying sunscreen to his body at a nude beach.

I myself like most folks, fall in the spaces between

1. I try to avoid steadfast "rules" and kick myself when I think things like "am I too young/old/fat/modern to wear this?"

2. When I find out people in the know have decided something has come back in style I dig whatever I have like that from several seasons ago or when I bought it while it was unfashionable and wear as though I was so hip. Or better yet I sell it.

3. I find nothing wrong with shabby pants and old t-shirts. Most of my wardrobe consists of old t-shirts. I also use them for pillow cases.

4. Most of us have pet peeves about clothing like "skirts today are too short" or "what's the deal with 'undercleavage' anyway." My personal peeve is that trachiotomy barrier piercing thing that some people get not sure what the technical name is though probably something like "clavicle gap bar bell" or "metal to the windpipe" or "for the love of sanity please pierce something with actual bone or muscle behind it." My only hope is that the metals are non magnetic as that would be the stuff of nightmares for me.

Did you know they have a thing called sub-clavicle piercing? Lovely. Goes right UNDER the bone.

I once wrote a short story of how people were so jaded to piercing, bloodplay, bondage etc that they start cannibalizing each other.

I hope to make it into a children's book.

5. I wish I could be be FRUiTSy, you know Japanese street fashion, Harajuku girls (before they were hijacked by Gwen Stefani) As seen by photographer Shoichi Aoki.
I also want Dita Von Teese's wardrobe. I wouldn't fit me, but that does not stop the want.

5. I also wish there were more places to wear hats. I like headcoverings.

6. I'd like to think that my clothes aren't made in sweatshops but that is probably not the case.

7. I believe in clothing equality, If a man wants to wear a dress let him. I wear "men's style" clothing all the time.

8. If I chose to wear specific clothing for religious purposes that would be between me and the deity of my choice.

9. Naked time is fun time.

Juicy Pears

2005-06-05T04:49:00.000-05:00

Curvier women 'will live longer'

Come to your own conclusions as to why this has not been picked up by the American mass media. They usually jump on "latest study suggests" stories. I will give them some time to pick up the story before launching into a rant. The clock is ticking.

Artistic Merits

2005-06-02T01:41:00.000-05:00

So My boyfriend claims he will set this as a link on his little tracker music site. So I decided to include an entry on art. Art in the more classic media of traditional music and painting. This is of course as opposed to modern media of digitally whatever-my-boyfriend-does-with-it music and photography.
Starting with music, as that is closest to his heart. I will put in one of the bands I am most interested in, not enough to actually buy their music because I can't even afford the kind of canned goods that I like.

Here is a link to the Tiger Lillies, a three man band featuring a double bass, drum kit and an accordion playing falsetto voiced singer. A mishmash of gypsy, Victorian, cabaret, sin, love and death. In a word brilliant.
Main Site
Lyrics to SCARS written by Martyn Jaques
Lyrics to START A FIRE
Lyrics to TERRIBLE (a personal favorite)
Lyrics to BESOTTED MOTHER

Now on to the visual art of painting
Tinet Elmgren Uses what is available
Vanessa Tiegs Uses the medium as a message
I actually consider these two to be the epitome of artists using the resources they have available. They are really no different than any other artist who works with "found" materials. They paint with menstrual blood. What is more readily available to a young female painter than menstrual blood.

What was your first reaction to what you just read?
If it was "gross," please ask yourself "why?"
Is it because our society and well let's face it, societies in general regard menstruation with such revulsion and fear? Or is it because you feel menstrual blood is yucky or unclean?

As to being unclean in the physical not theological sense. I imagine menstrual blood is not as clean as normal (arterial and venous) blood, but would still be rather clean compared to other substances in the body.
The only substance I can think of with truly dangerous bacteria is feces.
Saliva contains no dangerous bacteria, but the mouth itself does. This is the reason we have saliva, to wash the bacteria away. Mucus protects our respiratory systems and has several other purposes.

Washing away bacteria is also one of the functions of vaginal mucus. (that's right Novus/Vince just made you click on a site that uses the term "vaginal mucus." Go thank him.) So I guess you could say the only thing "unclean" about menstrual blood is that it might have vaginal mucus carrying nasties out of your system. However even if that is the case, and I am not sure if it is, the amount of mucus would be very little.

Still uptight about a body fluid used in such a way? You could consider urine. Urine is avery clean substance and is antiseptic (see the Thirteenth Warrior.) Some folks swear by drinking urine. In ancient China birth control pills were made using urine and the hormones contained therein. Urine has been used as a mordant for centuries. Leonardo DaVinci himself is alleged to have created an early photography method (the shroud of Turin, it is a theory) using urine as a component.

Ear wax was used in medieval bookbinding.

Mayhaps your problem is that it is human and not some animal's parts being used. After all leather made in the traditional way uses bird feces. Gelatin and glue come from animal skeletons. Gelatin of course is used in photography and filmmaking.

No, I imagine the problem you have is that you know it is blood, and in the case of Tinet Elmgren you can tell it is menstrual blood due to the clots.

I guess people in America associate blood with trauma at least when it is in large quantities. However, women are used to blood in small amounts and smears and clots, having to deal with them for most of our adult lives. This might not make them any less grossed out, but they are more used to seeing menstrual blood.

Does that last paragraph make any sense at all?

The Big Apple

2005-06-02T01:34:00.000-05:00

A Brooklyn woman who weighs 407lbs denied an MRI because doctors said the equipment could not handle her size and suggested she try the zoo.

Okay I have an interesting take on this one. I am not saying she is too fat and I am not saying the doctor's heart is in the wrong place, what I am saying is this:
I am sure she is not the only 400lb Person in New York City. Being 400lbs Does not not make you Snowflake the albino gorilla (R.I.P. Snowflake.) It does not make you rare. There are plenty of people who weigh 400lbs walking around every day. They do not exactly remove walls for 400 pound people. That only happens if you make it over 1000 lbs and even then it has happened what? Twice? Three times?

So apparently New York City is so behind in the times that there are no MRI machines to fit a 400lb person. Really. The super advanced, jaded, we-have-it-all, cosmopolitan capital of the richest country in the world doesn't have the adequate medical equipment for this woman.

Unbelievable. Is it too much to ask for one? Just one? It would save calls to the zoo seeing as even they don't have equipment like that. Hey which fundraiser do you think is more likely to take place- help the hospital get modern equipment to deal with larger size patients or help the cute animals in case they get sick. Sad. If only the poor woman had a fuzzy nose and a tail people would be more concerned with her plight.

As a matter of fact in 1999 the man who weighed approximately 1,100lbs and had the wall removed form his home so he could get medical attention was also form Brooklyn.

I guess he did not get an MRI either.

Completely off-topic I wonder what would have happened to a physician if they pulled this shit on the portly Emperor Nero? I guess they would have been fed to the animals. "Eat up crocodiles. But save some room, you're having Christians later."

Its Not Like They're Dingoes

2005-06-02T01:30:00.000-05:00

Is it wrong to want to put one of these in a baby's room?

The Subject was Vultures

2005-05-31T21:48:00.000-05:00

Vultures are cool. I had one friend describe them to me as "the ugliest of all the birds." I think that if we as a collective spent one month without them we would be in a world of hurt. Carcasses for days and days.

Vultures are also HUGE and rather clumsy looking. But you gotta admit there's something about them, be it their Skeksi-like gait or their feather "coats" that don't quite seem to fit. They have a certain charm about them. Looming almost like a death portent. I think them much more effective than both owls that cry your name and ravens. After all when there are vultures present a death has already occured.

Also according to my childhood viewing habits vultures hang out in "motorcycle" gangs, hate revenuers and sound like Wolfman Jack. It's true.

Let us not forget Beaky Buzzard of the old Warner Bros. cartoons. I nearly died a few weeks back when I found out his name was BEAKY. I mean seriously, how unbelievably cute is that?

This one is pretty if not downright gorgeous
And here is a close up, I am not sure if it is a Turkey vulture though
Here is info on Beaky Buzzard a personal favorite who is in fact a vulture
More on Beaky
Beaky has been sculpted into a collector figurine and is available for purchase
Finally, More Beaky (surprise)

Save the (Rational Minded) Males

2005-05-31T21:39:00.000-05:00

Episode of Kids in the Hall
Scott Thompson as Himself to Mark McKinney as a dead gay guy named David who claims to be the inspiration for Thompson's character Buddy Cole
ST: Wait! What does God look like?
MM: Oprah!
ST: I knew it.

OR if you prefer something less likely to be dubbed "homosexual propaganda"
Episode of WKRP in Cincinnati
Dr. Johnny Fever asks Bailey what she thinks God looks like
Bailey's response "well, first of all she's black."

Which of course brings me to Save the Males, because if ever a man existed that made me wish for a large, black, powerful, unmarried woman god it is Henry Makow. Non non! You don't get a link! Find it for yourself and bask in all that is anti homosexual, anti Bush and anti woman. If you have a cause you believe in chances are Mr. Makow has a reason it is evil. Because the mind hates to comprehend that sometimes shit does happen and people are victims without being a part of an ancient, greedy, multi generational conspiracy. You thinks it's all UFOs and JFK? Well brother, you got quite the shock coming to you. Because apparently gays are out to destroy the world, strong women are an abomination, Jews are the most untrustworthy of God's creations, Satan is running global politics along with bankers and freemasons, Bush is a closeted homosexual party freak, America secretly trains zombie-like sex slaves/agents for the CIA, and the "New World Order" is very, very real. Now lets all go play 'scruples'!

Where as a rational person (or for this example, me) would think something along the lines of ......... Gays are born gay and constitute a proportionately small but very real section of our society, Women are strong to begin with no matter what anyone says, Jews have one of the worst reputaions in history because a bunch of greedy bastards did not like that what one guy said was costing them money and power, Politicians (no matter how corrupt they might or might not be) are running the world's politics, Bush can do what ever the fuck he wants on his own time (PARTY ON W) just don't spend "the company funds", Mental illness is a very real and dangerous thing when not treated properly, The eye-pyramid on U.S. dollars just looks cool, Bad things happen to good people sometimes and it does not necessarily mean it is anybody's fault. And no, I'd rather play connect four with a regulation checker lodged in one of the columns prohibiting proper play.

His anti woman articles are what cut me deepest simply because they are me and where I live. I'm not Jewish or Catholic or gay or a banker or a Rothschild or an illuminati or a freemason (I get paid for my masonry skills and my bad jokes, thank you.) I am however, a feminist and I guess many of my beliefs scare him. Which is strange because my beliefs are so not scary.

I started reading his site because I was intrigued by the name since, quite frankly, modern feminism leaves a lot to be desired. However watching someone in 8 inch long cutoff shorts and a midriff top being utterly clueless as to what women had to go through to get to where they are is frustrating also. Of course I am being mean as there are plenty of women in respectable shoes and business suits who are just as clueless, if not more so.

Mr. Makow also has some interesting views on religion. Personally I long to see a lovely aquarium with an ichthys, a Darwin fish and maybe some of those delicious goldfish crackers getting along, well, I have to say it, swimmingly. Relax and the pun pain will subside shortly.

What is in a Name

2005-05-31T12:59:00.000-05:00

Those of you clever enough to read the time stamps and wonder how the hell I type so fast let me assure you I am not on speed. I started writing stuff for this blog three days ago and lazy me just got the darn thing created yesterday.

As for the name, I know there are thousands of kitsch and cutesypoo names for blogs out there. I wanted one for myself. Three or four years back I decided "Odd Bird" suited me well. I never used it, but it suited me none the less. Then after I had put the whole Odd Bird thing in the back of my mind or perhaps forgotten it completely it snapped right into place the second I typed that I wanted to be called Cake Buzzard.

Cake Buzzard has a story of its own. While reading the words "Lilac Blizzard" I thought "Cake Buzzard."

I never said it was a good story.

So what is a cake buzzard? Well first we have to establish "what is a buzzard?"
As most of us know a buzzard is a type of Hawkish predator bird that literally looks as if it could razor you to death without a care in the world, I have read however that they do not have that blood-chilling screech that falcons do.
I use the word buzzard in the increasingly unused sense- as another word for "vulture." Cake Vulture does not have the same ring to it. I am using the bird meanings interchangeably though. As both beautiful bird of prey and gawky looking scavenger. I have been both, at least when it comes to cake.
Cake the food and not Cake the band although I am sure the band does just fine.
I am also not a big fan of my birthday as in part I really have never had a cake I wanted. So I guess you could say I am a buzzard about birthdays. Though I am not an old buzzard.

See this is why I like to pre-type my entries it saves me from asking myself strange questions while I am needing to take a nap because I slept 4 or 5 hours last night.

Asia is like Middle Earth, Wonderland, and Oz rolled into one.

2005-05-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

Just a reminder that there has never been an asian model of the cover of any major American fashion magazine. So the next time I get miffed about the lack of women of size on these covers (let alone women of substance) I just have to remember this- According to the magazines' art editors Asia does not even exist. That's right according to them the largest continent on the planet really is not there.

Lucy Liu, Joan Chen, Michelle Yeoh and Ziyi Zhang aren't real. They are figments of our imaginations, so let us soothe our overactive minds by reading the latest issue of Nothing but 19 year old Russian girls in expensive designer crap monthly.

Ooh this month features an article on Anna Sui, because irony is not dead, It merely hangs out in the grocery store checkout aisle.

Okay, explain this to me

2005-05-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

How is having Lindsay Lohan splashed across People, Us, Star and In Touch magazines proclaiming how God-awful thin she looks any better, or worse than the same magazines blazing pictures of Kirstie Alley proclaiming "Too Fat"?

My choice for this week's most honest cover photo? Weekly World News- very fat man weds human tooth pick. WWN covers like this are the some of the only times I approve of digitally thinning a magazine cover model.

BTW anyone using the WWN image as a pro ana or (pro anorexia) trigger should already be getting serious help.

Ode to a Penis

2005-05-31T12:37:00.000-05:00

My Boyfriend has proclaimed his interest in viewing this site. That means I have to make it worth his while. So here you go, not one but two links to Ode to a Penis.
Link from Hoot Island a very funny adult site that may cause you to see naked people.
Link from what appears to be a relatively clean joke site. I prefer this one because the font size is larger. However there are no naked people.

There now I hope my boyfiend is happy, he did get the chance to see naked people after all.

Damaging Cultural Ties

2005-05-31T12:12:00.000-05:00

Point of fact: If you are a self proclaimed "wiccan" or "witch" who practices animal sacrifice, guess what? The Wiccan religion frowns on that and you are getting the religious worship wrong. There are even SATANISTS (who are by NO stretch of the imagination, Wiccans) who frown on it. The only blood I have ever heard of being used in modern ritual is naturally "shed" menstrual blood.

Learning recently of a local building that had to clean large amounts of mammal blood from their facilities because a group of pretenders decided they were going to play "witch" has made me rather angry. If you are going to be an idiot be an idiot, but don't associate someone else's legitimate religion with your childish misunderstanding of what real witches do.

Which reminds me of the "travelers" or whatever they call themselves. A group of folks unknown to most of us until one woman decided to stop in a store parking lot and beat up her child while it was strapped in a car seat, all of which was caught on the store surveillance camera. You remember, that group of American white people who decided to lead a nomadic lifestyle while grifting (committing fraud) for a living. They said they were "Gypsies." Isn't that quaint? They in all their wisdom decided to ravage whatever reputation genuine Romany people in America have made for themselves after overcoming HUGE obstacles of prejudice. It's like they got together and said "hey!, REAL Romany people in Europe are distrusted, generally reviled and sometimes murdered for no reason other than being Romany. Not to mention the whole, you know, Hitler sending them to the gas chambers in large numbers thing. I know! Let's bring that animosity to America and direct it toward an ethic group to which we don't even belong." Yeah. The concentration camp that contained most of the Romany (or what's left of it anyway) is now next to a pig farm, that's just how much Europeans seem to like Romany people.

More information:
Think magazine article
MyUSTINET
Radio.cz article
Czech Pork the site where I myself learned of this issue a couple of years ago
Are things starting to look up?

Dust and Corey Feldman

2005-05-31T01:42:00.000-05:00

I am new to this whole "blog" thing, so please pardon my dust.
By tomorrow I certainly hope to have a little more here profile-wise.
So for now I will leave you with this:

I do not know what good deed allowed my karma to reward me, but this week I realized that in the holiday hustle and bustle I missed the Infinite Wisdom of the Universe's Christmas present to me, Puppet Master vs. the Demonic Toys Starring Corey freakin' Feldman. I do realize of course many will dismiss this as sarcasm, but let me assure you good people (or person as the case may be) I AM SERIOUS.
Hopefully, if I ever get around to actually seeing the film it will be the good kind of cheese. (like velveeta)

2005-05-31T01:29:00.000-05:00

test, test, is this thing on?